I just received this photo of my 10-year-old son and two of his friends deep in their studies. I consider it a lovely moment in time rather the essence of the brotherhood of the boys. Still, it was the perfect coda to a conversation I had with a mom friend on Monday on the way to work.
I don’t remember how we got there, but my friend, who has a daughter the same age as Adam, explained how she wished our school did more teaching and learning about emotions and feelings, especially with the boys. From her point of view, which I agree with, the “mean girl” label has become such a cultural stereotype that, in a way, as a culture, we may be inadvertently neglecting to address meanness among boys with as much sensitivity and rigor.
You know how it goes: Boys can easily slip into a herd mentality when it comes to teasing or insulting each other, or others outside their pack. And sometimes it just takes one cruel remark to cut into a kid, even if no one else says anything.
Gingerly, I asked my friend if my son is guilty of something I don’t know about—and she pointed to just this phenomenon. That, while she’s never heard of him being mean to other kids, he’s part of the crowd.
Years ago, Malcolm Gladwell wrote this fascinating article about a Harvard professor who did research on how the power of peer groups can be more impactful than the power of parents. Want to be depressed? It’s called: “Do Parents Matter?” To me, the professor’s case is over-stated; then again, I’m a parent and maybe I’m not ready to cede my influence. But if I’m honest with myself about my parenting experience, I can talk to my son about right and wrong 24/7, but he is still filled with all the mischief and anxiety and joy of 10-year-old who wants to be liked. It would help us all if boys were schooled a bit more in everything from empathy to honor, without castigating them for being boys.
At the risking of sounding extreme, I would even argue that, by doing more to plant the seeds of respect with boys when they’re little, it may help them better get it as they grow up and need to more fully relate to and respect women. All the college rape stories that are coming to light? I hope that my son and I are going to be talking all about that once he’s in adolescence, as part of talking about sex, health, relationships, life, and the rest of it.
For now, I’ll just say, look how nicely they behave (see photo) with a little positive encouragement—and the prospect of some video time. I assume some kind of deal was cut.
Eric Messinger is the editor of New York Family. He can be reached at emessinger@manhattanmedia.com.
