Are you an adoptive parent or considering adoption? Has your adopted child reached adolescence or is he coming close to it? Here are some insights about parenting adolescents who have been adopted.
Loss is always part of adoption. Regardless of circumstance or age, be it minutes or years old, the child who joins her family through adoption has suffered profound loss. The initial loss is separation from the child’s birth mother, and that loss expands outward to encompass birth family, birth culture, and birth history.
Loss is the “hub” of inherent issues in adoption. Loss must be considered, understood, and honored by parents, so that they can support their child as she navigates from childhood into adulthood. Loss accumulates, one layer stacking upon another. The hub can be quite deep.
Varying degrees of grief, guilt, shame, rejection, identity, intimacy, and control are often experienced throughout the adopted person’s lifetime. These feelings tie into loss and extend from it, like the spokes of a wheel. These feelings are known as the inherent issues in the adoption “landscape.” Inherent issues affect many who have been adopted, as well as the majority of birth parents and adoptive parents. (For the purposes of this article though, I only address the issues as they pertain to the person who has been adopted.)
Inherent issues ebb and flow over the course of a life. Feelings tied to having been adopted typically begin to make themselves known with the onset of adolescence (as early as the age of 6), just when the hormones begin to fluctuate in preparation for puberty. Children also begin to understand much more about adoption and how it has — and will forever — impact them.
Often, adoptive parents find themselves dealing with puberty and one or more adoption issues. As any parent who has raised a child can share, no one ever feels quite ready to parent a teenager. And parenting the child who has been adopted requires even more preparation — knowing the child’s history (and historical framework if adopted internationally) and how that can affect her, understanding the core issues and how to use them as tools in parenting, and having a level of true empathy for the child.
There might be more going on than the core issues. Depending on circumstances, the child may also have suffered neglect, exposure to drugs or alcohol, or experienced or witnessed sexual, emotional, or physical abuse. These hard truths are difficult for parents to share, however necessary to discuss with their child. This information is part of the child’s story, and it is important for parents to share and discuss all of their child’s birth history and related facts with her prior to adolescence, in age-appropriate language.
Yes, any “hard truths” are difficult to share because parents have so much emotion invested in the adoption journey and love their children so deeply. But to not share the difficult truths leave children unprepared and open to injury by others and questioning why their parents, who love them and have their best interests at heart, didn’t tell them the truth(s).
Education about loss in adoption empowers parents to help their children. Loss, neglect, abuse, attachment, and a whole range of other topics are now examined and discussed during adoption preparation education with “waiting” parents. Adoption preparation education was not available when my husband and I adopted. We were unprepared.
We began to educate ourselves when seeking therapy for our daughter. Great concern over her obvious distress mingled with profound joy when our daughter joined us in her infancy. The enormity of what adoption meant — forever uprooting and separating my daughter from the rich ancient culture she was born into — became crystal clear in that instant. Resilient as humans are, she grieved for some time while she adjusted to parents, family, and a society that didn’t look, sound, feel, or smell like what she was familiar with. She did attach, but sadness and grief stayed. Her psychosocial development stalled.
Our love was not enough. It was only a huge bandage that kept the wound from becoming infected further. The bandage of our love didn’t and couldn’t address the underlying cause of the wound, and therefore, why it wasn’t healing. Part of that education was about loss and how it affects the child who has been adopted — feelings of grief, guilt, shame, rejection, identity, intimacy, and control. In understanding what she was facing, we were able to better support her needs and help her resolve — and eventually talk about — what she felt.
Judy M. Miller works with pre- and adoptive parents, equipping them with new techniques and information and encouraging and empowering adoptive families through difficult times. She is the author of the parent guide, “What To Expect From Your Adopted Tween.”
