On the way to school this morning, my 9-year-old son was greeted with a “Hi!” by one of his buddies, who happens to be a small kid, height-wise, and Adam, equally friendly, responded, “Hey, Mini.” I was stunned. In fact, I wish I hadn’t been so quick to anger, because it may have reinforced a sense of injury that the other child didn’t feel as strongly as I did. Who knows?
So at first I was just emotional. “I can’t believe you said that.” But since I also don’t expect a 9-year-old boy’s moral compass and sense of empathy to be all that developed, I tried to explain to him/remind him why it’s wrong and how to think about it. “How would you feel if another friend greeted you by saying, ‘Hey, Stupid’ or ‘Hey, Ugly.’ None of that is true, but you have to remember that no one likes to be made fun of.” I also reminded him that even though his friend seemed to brush it off, we don’t really know how he feels about it inside.
Was my manner too excitable? I worry that, if anything, what he’s really learning from me is how to get agitated. On the other hand, I have a lot of respect for parents who call their children out when they misbehave in a way that is hurtful to other kids, so hopefully I’m also, in some way, cultivating an understanding of what it means to be good to others.
On a prouder note, yesterday I attended the end-of-year celebration at his Hebrew School, which culminated with a video montage of the kids participating in various activities in the course of the year. I noted that when a photo of Adam and his playful grin popped up, quite a few kids shouted out his name and cheered in a way that felt he was well liked and appreciated.
On the way out, he added to his long list of Adam-isms that one day I’ll have to enshrine in a book or something.
“Hey, Adam,” I said, “are you going to do the school chorus again next year? Kids seems to really like it, and I think it helps you feel connected to the school.”
“Sorry,” he said, “The Adam Show is over.”
