Wouldn’t it be nice if everything ran smoothly at the holidays? Everyone arrives at one location for the celebration, and no one is left out. To top things off, everyone is getting along just splendidly. It’s holiday bliss — the Brady Bunch on happy pills! Oh, if it were that simple!
With most families, things are a lot more complicated, especially during this time of year. Whether it’s one set of grandparents being excluded due to time constraints, or divorced families not finding common ground, teenagers are often left in the middle, feeling torn between different sides of the family at a time when they should feel the most connected.
Develop a plan and compromise
The holidays can be stressful, and teens often feel the stress, too. On top of the typical shopping, wrapping, and baking — concerts and holiday get-togethers are likely in the mix as well.
In the midst of this frenzied schedule, you have to also be sure that you haven’t dissed anyone by not finding time to connect. Matters can become even more complicated due to divorce or problems with in-laws. It’s best not to leave decisions for the last minute when it concerns where your teens (and you) will be spending time during the holiday season. Planning ahead, and including your teen in that planning process, will help tremendously.
If there is a large, extended family, perhaps you can plan shared celebrations where you meet at one location, but each individual family is responsible for one facet of the celebration, such as the food, organizing gift giving, or planning activities.
“If visiting all the significant family players is not practical, alternate plans can be made for a late winter weekend or spring break,” suggests Judy Belmont, LPC, a psychotherapist and co-author of “The Swiss Cheese Theory of Life: How to Get Through Life’s Holes without Getting Stuck in Them.” She believes it’s imperative for teens to develop realistic expectations.
If there are relatives or someone special your teen really wants to see, but the family is unable to make arrangements, perhaps she can connect via Skype to make plans for a future visit.
“Seldom during the holidays, especially in the situation of satisfying the needs of divorced parents and their families, does anyone get all that they want,” explains Belmont.
“However, with input from all sides, flexibility, and compromise, everybody can get some of what they want.”
Communication is the key.
“Opening the lines of communication and showing interest in your teen’s thoughts and feelings can really foster family harmony,” says Francine Lederer, PsyD, a clinical psychologist who specializes in life transitions.
Your teen’s input
Your teens should be part of the conversation, especially when it concerns time spent with divorced parents.
“I encourage parents to include their teens in the decision-making process,” Lederer says. “So many teens already feel that they do not have control over their lives or family affairs when parents divorce.”
Belmont agrees.
“Giving your teens a say in sharing their thoughts and ideas during the holiday season is always a good idea,” she says. “Your teens will feel like their needs and interests are valued, and their attitude about the holidays will likely be more positive.”
Pressures can build, especially if you find that your teen does not want to spend time at a particular relative’s house.
“If a teen is extremely resistant to seeing a relative, it’s important for parents to come up with some kind of compromise,” Lederer suggests. She recommends visiting the relative for a shorter period of time or planning activities that your teen will definitely enjoy during the visit.
“Holiday decisions teach teens about balancing obligations with personal desires,” Belmont explains.
Tips and tales
“Don’t just juggle holidays each year. Instead, keep in mind which holidays are most important to the different sides of the family. This helps to keep the peace. Compromise is imperative. Talk to your teens about the plans to get their input.”
— Maria Hoskins, Hyde Park, NY
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Upcoming topic: Gender differences — what you found to be different while raising teen girls and teen boys.
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Myrna Beth Haskell is a feature writer and columnist specializing in parenting issues and child and adolescent development. She is the mother of two teenagers.
