[Editor’s Note: One of the wisest—and by far, the funniest—books I’ve read this year about parenthood is Tim Dowling’s How To Be A Husband. What follows is a sampling of his “40 pretty basic insights” for staying married. –Eric Messinger]
1. Go to bed angry if you want to. It is often said that a couple should never let the sun set on an argument, but this isn’t practical. Some arguments are, by their nature, two day events: too much is at stake to set an arbitrary bedtime deadline. Faced with a stark choice between closure and a night’s sleep, you’re better off with the latter in almost every case. I’ve gone to bed angry loads of times, with no particular deleterious effects. You don’t actually stay angry. It’s a bit like going to bed drunk; you wake up feeling completely different, if not necessarily better.
8. When your wife carries on the next morning as if yesterday’s argument never happened, you should interpret her behavior as a willingness to forgive and forget, and not as a sign that she actually has forgotten. The benefit of the doubt is a key aspect of Gross Marital Happiness, and even if she has forgotten there is nothing to be gained from guessing right.
13. There is no good rejoinder to the exclamation “I am NOT your mother!” but among the especially not good ones is “Then stop buying me ugly sweaters!” Take my word for it.
19. Sharing can be ugly. People misplace stuff, forget stuff, run out of stuff, and neglect to buy stuff—it’s human—and in cases where you possess an identical or perfectly serviceable equivalent, you should not be difficult about handing it over to our spouse on request. This includes, but is by no means limited to, travel cards, bank cards, house keys, car keys, your mobile phone, a razor (male to female only, and don’t ask for it back; you don’t want it), your deodorant, and yes, on occasion, your toothbrush. You should fully expect your selflessness to be reciprocated in your time of need, even if it isn’t.
22. It is generally acknowledged that a cheap appliance is a false economy, destined to cast a pall of impermanence over your household. But the opposite is true of toasters. The cost of a toaster is in inverse proportion to the quality of toast it produces, and pricier models tend to be less robust, and are responsible for much unnecessary marital discord. A posh toaster is a false extravagance
24. Remember: marriage isn’t all good. Like anything ultimately beneficial, marriage has some unwanted side effects. It can leave participants feeling hemmed in, held back, and harried. It represents an ongoing threat to one’s individuality, personal privacy, fulfillment, and freedom. You will be happier once you understand that this works both ways. When you’re feeling resentment, for example, it helps to bear in mind that you are also, at some level, resented.
28. Own your stupidity. Self‑awareness is a reliably endearing trait, and over time your spouse will come to admire your willingness to recognize precisely when you have been/are being an idiot. In fact an objective grasp of your own stupidity is almost preferable to not being stupid in the first place, and it’s much, much easier.
32. Never underestimate the tremendous healing power of sitting down together from time to time to speak frankly and openly about the marital difficulties facing other couples you know.
35. Try to speak at least once during the day, every day. If nothing else, it keeps vital channels of communication open and operating. My wife has a habit of ringing me in the middle of the afternoon, wherever she is. Often there is some cryptic pretext for the call (“Measure our sofa and tell me how deep it is”) but occasionally she checks in for no reason.
“Anything to report?” she says.
“I’m watching a YouTube compilation of dogs wearing shoes for the first time,” I say.
“Sounds rewarding,” she says.
“I mean the dogs are wearing the shoes for the first time. I’ve actually seen it a number of times already.”
“I won’t keep you, then,” she says. “Take the mince out of the freezer.”
It doesn’t sound like much, but on such regular exchanges of inanities are rock‑solid marriages built.
From How To Be A Husband by Tim Dowling. Published by arrangement with Blue Rider Press, an imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. Copyright © 2014 by Tim Dowling.
