Dear Dr. Karyn,
Do you have any tips on how to get kids to open up to their parents? It seems that no matter what I ask my kids, I get the typical one-word answers such as “fine,” “good,” or “not bad.” My best friend seems to be extremely successfed in this department with her kids, who are the same ages as mine. I would love to learn some techniques to get my kids to open up. Any suggestions?
Dear Parent,
Yes! I think that learning how to get our kids to talk to us is one of the most important skills we as parents can learn. When our kids share with us, we get a glimpse into their worlds. We earn the privilege to learn about their dreams, fears, hopes, and goals. So what can we do to encourage such a fruitful conversation? Here are five tips to get you started:
Pay attention to timing
The most important thing to consider before approaching your kids is timing. Timing is everything — especially for teenagers! I’ve learned that for most kids, the best time to talk is after school or in the evening. Mornings are usually a disaster for meaningful conversations, because kids are still waking up and most families are rushing out the door.
Also, pay attention to your mood and theirs. You’ll likely find that the more relaxed you are, the more likely they will be to talk. Kids are very perceptive of their parents’ emotions and moods.
Ask direct questions
Try focusing on asking fewer, but more direct, questions. Asking too many questions leads to kids feeling interrogated, which most find annoying. So, ask fewer, but more meaningful, open-ended questions (that can’t be answered with a yes or no). Some of my favorite open-ended questions are:
“What was the best part of your day?”
“What was the worst part of your day?
“What was the funniest thing that happened?”
“What surprised you the most today?”
Talk sideways
Try talking sideways with your kids. What’s this? It’s one of my favorite strategies for getting kids to talk. (This works particularly well for boys.) I learned early on in my coaching practice that most of my teen guy clients opened up significantly more if I didn’t force eye contact with them. Since then, hundreds of parents have told me that the best conversations they’ve had with their kids are in the car. Why? Because this environment naturally encourages sideways communication! Other sideways environments include: walking, running, cooking, shopping, etc.
Get comfortable with silence
When silence happens in conversations, many people feel uneasy, stressed, and responsible to fill in the gaps. However, to cultivate great conversation, it’s important to get comfortable with silence. Hundreds of times, I’ve asked teens questions, and they simply did not know the answer right away. It wasn’t until after I gave them time (and silence) to think it through that they would come up with the most thought-provoking answers. So remember to ask your question, pull back, and give them space to ponder their response.
Affirm
If we want our kids to feel safe to talk with us, we need to look for opportunities to affirm them whenever possible. Our kids need to hear what they are doing well. While some experts think we shouldn’t affirm kids (or that they will become dependent on it) I couldn’t disagree more. Kids desperately need to know from their parents what they are doing well (in addition to what needs work).
The key when you are affirming them, though, is to focus on character and not achievement. If you see them being more disciplined, motivated, courageous, adventurous, and loyal — tell them! When kids hear these authentic character affirmations being told to them daily, they feel more valued and therefore feel safer to talk with us.
Dr. Karyn Gordon is one of North America’s leading relationship and parenting experts (specializing in teens). A media contributor, family consultant, and motivational speaker, she has spoken to more than a quarter of a million people in North America, including a recent appearance for The New York Times. She is the author of four books, including “Dr. Karyn’s Guide to the Teen Years” (Harper Collins). Visit www.drkaryn.com.
