Last Saturday night three of my 17-year-old daughter’s friends were invited to drink at another friend’s house. The host father said he would buy the kids alcohol, but only those who had permission from their parents were allowed to come over. He spoke with each parent and promised to drive the kids home after. They didn’t ask my daughter because, they told her later, they knew I would say no. I’ve known two of these teens a long time, and their parents are my friends. My reaction to the parents’ decisions? I’ll be nice and say they were misguided.
I know that the father thinks he’s doing the right thing, and I am sure my friends do too. They’re usually attentive parents. I also know the theory is that if kids are allowed to drink alcohol with supervision, it somehow helps them to learn to drink responsibly. I’ve heard many parents of high school juniors and seniors say, “They’re going to drink in college anyway and I won’t be there to say anything so I ‘d rather them learn now.”
But there are many reasons why the theory of drinking with supervision doesn’t hold water, or tonic you could say. First of all, there’s the fact that it’s illegal to serve alcohol to minors and therefore parents can’t legally give permission for kids to participate in underage drinking at someone else’s house. Second, Long Island social host laws can result in all manner of fines and criminal action for the father in this story. Third, how can anyone really know until it’s too late if a teen is going to have a bad reaction to alcohol? Why make yourself responsible for that? Fourth, why do kids need to get used to alcohol before they’re in college anyway? Teens have a lot more mental and emotional development to go through before the day they leave for college. There’s a big difference between the emotional and mental maturity of a high school junior or senior and a college student (even if parents of college freshmen don’t see it). Furthermore, drinking alcohol isn’t something that they have to learn. What parents should try to do is to help their kids hold off on drinking as long as they can. What is the mad rush all the time for our kids to be adults? I don’t get it at all. Fifth, these juniors and seniors are also learning to drive for the first time. All you have to do is look at the many roadside memorials on every major highway on Long Island to know the horrific results of the combination of drinking and inexperienced driving.
But if any of the above sounds like the rantings of the teetotaller I am–for full disclosure while I did drink in college (when the drinking age was 18) I gave it up long ago for the calories and because there’s a history of alcoholism in my family–there’s another reason not to let kids drink before it’s time. A new study published in the Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs shows that teens who are allowed to drink alcohol under adult supervision don’t learn about responsible drinking and actually drink more as they get older. The study followed kids in seventh through ninth grade, and found that by ninth grade, the kids who were drinking with supervison had alcohol-related consequences like not being able to stop drinking, having blackouts and getting into fights. The conclusion of the study is that parents shouldn’t allow drinking even under supervision. The lead researcher said, “Kids need parents to be parents, not drinking buddies.”
The fact is that parents shouldn’t assume that it’s inevitable that teens will drink alcohol. Or do drugs. Or have underage sex. It’s our responsibility to teach them about making safe and healthy decisions and to make sure that we develop and nurture strong lines of communication. Those are the parental choices that will help our children negotiate the world of college and beyond, not throwing up our hands and saying in effect, if we can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Parenting is about making difficult, and sometimes, painful choices, and while that becomes more complex in their teen years, that is the most important time to set boundaries.
So what if you, like me, become known as the parent who will say no? By their college years you won’t have much control beyond your checkbook. For the sake of their safety hang on to that control as long as you can.
