The College Admissions Process At “Not So Crazy U”

I never ran after an enrollment officer using a Bundt cake as a bribe. Nor did I ever make a moving plea in front of a college’s admittance panel on behalf of my son. But Luke got in anyway. (Not to brag, but I will: Luke got into a top engineering school, as well as several liberal arts colleges that have 3-and-2 programs with Columbia Engineering–that’s 3 years for a BA, then 2 years for a BS at Columbia.)

In the new movie “Admission,” Tina Fey’s character, Portia Nathan, starts out as a harried Princeton admissions officer and ends up joining the ranks of the even more stressed, cake-toting, admittance-seeking parents she’s used to running from. Although I did get some satisfaction watching someone in that position of relative power get a taste of what it’s like to be on the other side of the application pile, I have to say that my experience with the process was made easier by the non-cartoon-like education officials with whom I met.

So Bundt cakes and moving pleas aside, here’s what I did do when the college experts came to Luke’s high school: I listened to what they had to say–as opposed to hearing what I wanted to hear or believing that what they were saying applied to everyone’s kid but mine. Allow me to pass on some of the insights that I picked up along the way.

When it comes to sports…

Whether you believe that athletics will be your child’s entry into higher education or he/she just wants to play on a school’s D1, D2, or D3 team, get a professional and unbiased second opinion. Parents of athletes (of which I’m one) like to think we’re raising the next David Wright. But our opinions don’t count. Nor does that of your child’s grandfather, who believes that the younger version of himself is the best player since DiMaggio. Also unreliable is your kid’s coach who swears his player is the best he’s ever had on his team (thanks to him.)

An assessment by an impartial party will give you a realistic idea as to what your athlete’s skills really are, and what to expect from schools. As one admissions officer said: “Our hockey team is ranked number one in the Northeast. We’re not impressed that you’re the best pond hockey player in your town.” FYI: Even if your son or daughter doesn’t make the cut for the college team, schools usually have sports clubs that are not as intense, but just as fun.

When it comes to the essay…

“We can spot a bought-and-paid-for essay a mile away and it goes right in the garbage,” said one counselor. We were told by another that essays referring to volunteer work that sum up with, In the end, it wasn’t what they learned from me, but what I learned from them… also find their way into the circular file. An essay that comes from a specific personal story tops a general one that could have been written by any kid. As one officer from an engineering school told our group: “Whenever I get an essay that starts with, I’ve wanted to be an engineer since I got my first Legos set… in the trash it goes.”

Also, when it comes to the essay…

As a professional writer–of essays no less–I couldn’t wait for Luke to come to me for guidance. I’m still waiting. He said he had ideas of his own and would see the creative process through by himself. The fact is, students work on the essay in school with their English teachers and guidance counselors.

When it comes to the SATs and GPAs…

If a college says it requires a certain test score or grade point average, safe to say, it’s a firm number. FYI: There are reputable colleges that don’t require standardized test scores; instead, they ask for a portfolio of a student’s work starting from 9thgrade. (Just an aside: Being a legacy doesn’t make you a shoo-in. I know some very angry alumni parents.)

When it comes to admissions directors…

I met many nice enrollment officers who freely offered very valuable advice that some independent college consultants charge thousands to dispense.

The fact is, the schools get so many more applicants than there are openings, and the directors must work within the confines of what their particular school mandates. They have no choice but to reject lots of students. The upside is that the ones I met were a lot saner than Portia Nathan, which helped me stay that way as well.

Lorraine Duffy Merkl is a freelance writer in NYC and author of the novel, FAT CHICK. Learn more about her writing at lorraineduffymerkl.com.