Choosing parenthood

When a family begins to explore the idea of adopting, it is easy to become overwhelmed. There are decisions to be made, questions to be answered, and information to uncover. Imagine the difficulty of figuring it all out on your own.

According to Child Welfare Information Gateway, nearly one-third of adoptions from foster care were completed by unmarried people in 2011.

Thousands of individuals are choosing single parenthood via adoption. The focus for many single people considering adoption is to provide a loving home to a child that is not sought-after. Many single adults are open to choosing an older child, a child of a different race, or a child with special needs.

Once the decision to adopt is made, the next consideration is whether to pursue a domestic or international adoption. Both domestic and international adoption have similar monetary costs, an average of $40,000, and involve travel. Traveling domestically or abroad to adopt a child can be exciting, rewarding, and stressful. Parents adopting internationally must travel to and stay in the country they are adopting the child from. This could mean anywhere from a few days to several weeks to complete the adoption process. In some instances, multiple visits are necessary. Single individuals that choose to adopt often use family and friends for extended support.

That is what Adrienne Ewing did while traveling to South Africa to meet her son. The 31-year-old nurse practitioner decided to adopt on her own, having been a widow for five years. She is now the mom to a vibrant kindergartener that she lovingly calls “Georgie.” They have been a family for five months, and she kindly shared her experience with me.

Shnieka Johnson: Did you always have the desire to adopt?

Adrienne Ewing: As a child, my parents were foster parents, which I think opened my eyes and my heart to children who didn’t have families, or at least a loving family or a place that they could call home. When I was married to Marcus, we discussed adoption as something we would like to do someday, but never made any serious steps to start the process. When he died in 2010, I believed that door to be closed.

A friend asked me a few years later — why don’t you adopt as a single woman? It was then that I started praying and financially saving for the process, but still quite fearful of doing it alone. In 2013, I had the distinct privilege of walking along my friends as they adopted their daughter. I was floored in amazement of how quickly and seamlessly a family could be created from strangers. I had to start the process, fearfully though, I signed up for the info meeting, then the initial application, etc., until it was all of a sudden officially happening.

SJ: How long was the adoption process for you?

AE: I went to my first adoption info meeting in July 2013, started the home study in September 2013, and started dossier in March 2014. I first saw a picture of my son Georgie on the waiting list in September 2014, and we were officially matched in February 2015 (when the governments agreed that I could adopt him). I traveled in July 2015 and returned home with him at the end of August. He legally became my son July 24. All that to say, about two years.

SJ: How do you juggle work and home life?

AE: I’ve only been back to work two months, so I’m still learning. I work three days a week, but 12-hour shifts, so on days that I work, I only see Georgie for about an hour. I like that on the days that I’m off, I’m off, and can just enjoy being a mom for the day. I think it helps that the days I’m a nurse practitioner and the days I’m a mom are pretty separated. It also helps that I have friends who are caring for Georgie on days that I work, so that I don’t worry about him. Oh, I for sure pay someone to clean my house and do my laundry, [which is the] best gift I ever gave myself.

SJ: Do you have a support system nearby?

AE: Absolutely. I could not do this without them — practically, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Most live in Harlem — available in an emergency — and they will wake up at 6:30 in the morning to take him to school when I work. They will bring us dinners, too.

SJ: What has the adjustment been like for you and your son?

AE: It was very hard in the beginning — me getting used to being a mom and his entire life was flipped upside down. Then it was really good for a month or so. Now, I think we’re a healthy medium of good and hard. It’s only been five months. I think we’ve bonded very well, but he understandably is pushing boundaries and missing his friends and former caregivers from South Africa.

SJ: What do you want other parents to know about adoption?

AE: It’s not as scary as it seems. It’s not as hard as it seems. It’s not as expensive as it seems.

There are so many children domestically and internationally that are in desperate need of a loving family. You don’t need a degree in psychology or social work to be a loving, safe home to a child that has never had one. It’s certainly trying at times, but there is so much goodness and love that you receive.

Cost is an issue, but there are many programs and churches and friends that are willing to come alongside you to make that not a reason anymore. Ninety percent of my adoption fees were covered (not including travel costs).

SJ: Transracial adoption?

AE: Unfortunately, there is a disproportionate number of children of color available for adoption — internationally and domestically. I felt called to adopt (I hope to adopt domestically some day), but as a single woman, internationally was a better option. The few countries that allow single women [to adopt] were children from another race. All that being said, there’s no doubt after meeting my son that he is what God always intended for me. It’s only been five months, so I’m not sure what will come up for us as he ages. He can obviously see that I am white, and he is brown, and notices who in our community is white and who is brown.

One of the many required readings was about transracial adoption, and the biggest takeaway for me was to make sure I am always the minority, and he’s the majority in our community. It was something that I intentionally maintain, even before he came home with me. We live in a predominantly black neighborhood — Harlem. I changed churches, his school is predominantly black — those intentional decisions lead to organically forming relationships with people in those communities.

As a white woman from the Midwest, I was taught not to discuss race, so it’s something I have had to adjust to, because it is — and will continue to be — important to him. I ask lots of questions — usually prefaced with “this may sound stupid, but …” I also gave permission for people to correct me and enter into our family.

Shnieka Johnson is an education consultant and freelance writer. She is based in Manhattan, where she resides with her husband and son. Contact her via her website, www.shniekajohnson.com.