OK, maybe we’re not quite as cool as Robert Pattinson or Beyoncé, but most of us think we’re pretty with it — until our teens tell us otherwise. So, we start to doubt our level of “cool.” It’s hard not to when you’re told you are completely out of touch several times a week. Apparently, we’re not “all that,” and to be seen with the likes of one of us is a horror. Should we take this personally? What is it about teens that makes them pretend they don’t have parents when other teens are around?
The public scene
Your teen is trying to assert his independence.
“Most adolescents are busy negotiating their own autonomy,” explains Josh Kellman, MD, a clinical associate with the University of Chicago Medical Center. “However, this is not done in isolation. Autonomy from parents is developed in the world of peer relations. Teens tend to safeguard their peer world from invasion by their parents.”
In other words, your teen’s attempts to become independent from you, including wanting to go solo in public, are part of a typical stage in his social-emotional development.
Teens strive to become independent from their parents in every possible way. They become acutely aware of how others, especially their peers, perceive them as they desperately try to fit in. They want to be sure their peers deem them “grown-up,” because this is the ultimate goal. So, it is natural for them to want to keep their peer environment separate from their family life, where parents most likely still view them as young people who have an awful lot to learn.
Keep your cool
For many parents, it is sometimes difficult to realize that their teens don’t want them around all the time — particularly in public! Just recently, an acquaintance told me that her teen pretended she did not see her in the mall. She told her daughter afterward that she had planned to give her some extra money, hoping this would encourage her daughter to acknowledge her in the future.
Should parents feel slighted if their teen doesn’t want to go to the mall or to the movies with them anymore?
“Parents should not feel slighted,” says Kellman. “It is typical and developmentally appropriate for teens to be embarrassed of their parents.”
Kellman encourages parents to strike a balance. He suggests that parents try not to be too invasive.
“On the other hand, parents must be themselves, and need not bend over backwards to accommodate their teen’s wish for them to disappear,” he cautions.
Try to remember what it was like when you were a teenager. Yyou felt a little awkward bumping into a group of your peers if you had your parents in tow, even if you weren’t adverse to going places with them.
They’ll get over it!
You may have noticed your friend’s or neighbor’s college-age kids come around — proof positive that this will be a transient phase.
“As autonomy becomes more secure in late adolescence and early adulthood, kids usually settle into a more comfortable tolerance — even sometimes enjoyment of their parents in public situations,” Kellman explains.
He gives the example of parent weekend at college. He says parents often take kids out to dinner with their friends and that this is “secretly, or even openly, welcomed by the child.”
Your teens will be welcoming you into their public life again soon. In the meantime, find a way to enjoy their activities and interests without being too overbearing. Just chalk it up to another tightrope walk in this daunting task of parenting a teenager!
Tips and tales
“Even if they say you don’t need to go to an event, go anyway. They will know that you care about what they are doing.”
Barbara Marrine, FDR High School Principal, Hyde Park, NY
“Send them with their friend’s parents!”
Michelle Mills Boye, Woodstock, NY
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How do you handle your teen’s mood swings?
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Myrna Beth Haskell is a feature writer and columnist specializing in parenting issues and children’s development. She is the mother of two teenagers.
