Dear Twins,
My husband and I have been best friends with another couple since high school, and now they have two children and we have three. They quite often invite our entire family over for dinner, and of course, we reciprocate. The difference is that we have taught our children to have table manners, and you’d think their kids were raised in a barn. They scream and yell at the table, fight, reach across other people’s plates for food, spit, and even throw food! And their parents barely say a word! We’re such close friends with the parents that I don’t want to make waves. How do I handle this?
— Boiling Mad
Kerry says: I would suggest one of three things. Option one: tell your friend that because the kids (it is not necessary to point out it’s only hers) get rambunctious, why don’t the adults have dinner alone from now on; thus whosever’s turn it is to bring the kids, will instead hire a babysitter, and whoever is serving will feed the kids in advance. Option two: go out to dinner; after all, you are adults and can’t possibly always want to have adult conversations in front of your children (and I bet the children don’t much care for it either). Option three: tell your friend you think it’s a better idea for the kids to eat together at a separate table in a different room so you can enjoy each other’s company in peace.
Jacqueline says: The truth is, there is not much you can do when your friends raise brats, and maintaining your friendship can often be hindered by them. The “Who raised these kids?” syndrome will invariably continue to the end of time. If you tell your friends that they are not raising their kids properly, it will invariably end up in a fight and could end your friendship. So it’s just not worth it. I would take some of Kerry’s suggestions, especially the last. Have the food-throwing youngsters sit at another table in another room even. Make general announcements to all the kids like, “OK troop, food stays on the table tonight,” to open up the eyes of the kids — and the parents — that it is not OK to have a food fight in your home.
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Dear Twins,
My husband and I invited three couples over for a sit-down dinner on a Saturday night. We knew two of the couples very well, and the third couple had just moved into our neighborhood, and we wanted to get acquainted. When I called the third couple, I invited the wife and husband, saying it would be a late dinner, and to arrive at 9 pm for cocktails before dinner. Well, everyone arrived at 9, but to my astonishment, the third couple brought their two boys, ages 7 and 9! I didn’t know what to say, and I wasn’t prepared for children! My OWN children were in bed, and these two go rushing into their bedrooms trying to wake them. It became a madhouse, and the dinner was a fiasco. What should I have done?
— Angry Neighbor
Jacqueline says: Why people would bring kids to an invite-only dinner is beyond me. Perhaps they assumed that, since you have kids, theirs were welcome. Whatever the case, when they showed up at the door with them, there wasn’t much you could do. The polite thing would be to allow the boys to join you after letting the parents know you weren’t expecting kids. But making a scene at that point — or asking them to leave — is far worse. Don’t be a doormat, either. Let their children know your kids’ bedrooms are off limits. Enjoy the evening and go with the flow. What’s the point of being uptight? They may even become good friends if you don’t throw them out. However, for the next invite — if there is another — let them know it’s adults-only.
Kerry says: I agree with Jacqueline. It’s petty to still be spewing over the couple that brought their kids over for dinner. Aren’t there more serious things to be worried about? Yes, they are complete morons for not realizing that this was not a function for kids and that their children were clearly not invited; nonetheless, couldn’t you just go with the flow and order a pizza and let the kids play upstairs? Out of a variety of disasters that would horrify me, this one’s at the bottom of the list. If you ever decide to invite this couple again, which I doubt you will, let them know it’s a dinner for adults only. Now stop sweating the small stuff.
