The term “tween” seems to have surfaced in conjunction with a more concerted effort by businesses to market to a previously seldom-recognized age group. However, many psychologists have come to recognize these preteens as a group with behaviors and needs different from other children. What are these issues and needs, and how can parents address them? Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer, author of “Talking to Tweens: Getting It Right Before it Gets Rocky with Your 8- to 12-Year-Old” is the right person to ask.
So what is a “tween”? Research on children’s mental health indicates that children are showing signs of stress and distress at ever younger ages. Tweens – boys and girls – now suffer from eating and anxiety disorders; are exposed to intense peer and academic pressure; want more freedom to go places on their own, to keep up with fashion and watch videos rated for older children; and seem obsessed with sexual behavior, just like teenagers. But the similarity goes only so far. While most 12-year-olds are indeed teenage wannabes, many 8-year-olds are not there yet; there are big changes over the five years. Preteens have always wanted to be accepted as part of the “gang.” However, now there are so many more ways to pass the approval test in terms of possessions, activities, looks and clothes. As the stakes rise, confidence falls.
What challenges are specific to being a tween versus being a young child? Given that tweens now look to friends rather than parents for affirmation and are desperate to fit in and be accepted, they become highly vulnerable to peer pressure and competition and become particularly prone to friendship problems. That’s their biggest challenge, which can wipe out their fresh-faced optimism all too quickly. Young children, by contrast, remain quite dependent, can be fearful of freedom and still look for approval and guidance mainly from their families.
How does the level of communication between a parent and tween change over childhood? What can parents do to mitigate any distance? A tween naturally wants more time alone, has a longer school day with additional activities and may choose to be with friends rather than family for at least part of the weekend, so the chances to talk inevitably reduce. In addition, some working parents will increase their work hours when they see their tween apparently needing them less. However, tweens still need their parents just as much, but they want different support packaged in different ways. Tweens say they love to have parents around in the background as they slop around at home; they love to be appreciated; they like a parent to attend school functions and understand that important part of their life. They also still enjoy family outings and fun, and these are the best ways to ensure continuing closeness and conversation. Other possibilities for mitigating any distance include not making the bedroom a hi-fi, hi-tech or hobby heaven so the child never comes out; regular family meals without TV; preserving a “chat slot” at bedtime; arranging special treats – visits to the diner or a movie; and inviting him to chat as you do chores or prepare dinner.
How can parents approach tweens when it comes to talking about sex, and in what ways will sex start to affect their lives? Tweens see sex all around them – on the TV, in magazines, even stamped on their clothes – and they hear plenty of playground talk about it too. But just because your tween is hearing this talk does not mean it’s properly understood. Children talk a lot of half-truths, add a gloss because they don’t understand it fully and try to gain status by claiming to be all knowing and, sometimes, all doing. The parents’ role is not to shield the child from knowing anything, but to check what sense their tween has made of what he or she knows. Real knowledge creates confidence, so tell them all the facts. The best way to approach talk of sex is to start early and keep it natural. Use everyday triggers, such as TV soaps, family weddings or births, or even the crude jokes they begin to bring home from school. Put sex in the context of expressing love in a committed relationship.
School programs like D.A.R.E. have broached the subject of drug and alcohol abuse, but how can a parent keep aware and educate a tween about these issues? A parent should never leave these issues to schools alone. The tween years are exactly the time to lay the groundwork for sensible attitudes and healthy experiences, partly because you still spend time together but also because this is when some will start to dabble. First, make sure you know the facts about health issues (such as the mental health consequences of cannabis use, liver damage from alcohol), what happens in your area, what local names the substances have so you can seem knowledgeable and what the school has covered. Second, stay cool – don’t be horrified and react strongly to what you may hear about what a friend may be doing, or your child will clam up. Don’t ask for names, as you’re being told in confidence. And if you have any worries about their behavior, talk; don’t spy. Be caring, not critical, and focus on your concern for them, not their wrongdoing. But the best shield against harm from illegal substances during adolescence is to make your child feel successful, important and valued by you.
What are the biggest mistakes teachers or parents can make about tweens? Parents and teachers often underestimate how far a tween can be trusted and how much he or she can manage challenges, contribute good ideas, be responsible and problem solve. They tend to overprotect these “mini adults,” as one described herself, or to try to control and push them, whereas tweens need a degree of risk, danger and responsibility to learn how far they can safely go. Parents – though not so much teachers – can also often see their child’s behavior as difficult or outrageous, rather than merely typical of his gender, age and stage. So they criticize too much at a time when a tween desperately needs tons of self-belief.
