Divorce can be a shattering and painful event. Unless you’ve reached the “conscious uncoupling” stage that only one of Hollywood’s power couples has attained, you’ve probably gone through anxiety, guilt, anger, and depression. Most importantly, after the family has been split, you have the fear of what the loss of your spouse will do to your children. In this day and age, divorce is not uncommon, as it was just 30 to 40 years ago, and children may have peers to share their fears and anxieties with. There is no definite prediction that your divorce will cause future disaster for your children, but here are some of the most common behavioral signs that your children might exhibit, and how you can best help your child:
Young children
Young children especially might show regressive behavior to earlier stages of development, such as bedwetting, clinging, attempts to gain your approval, and separation anxiety when they are dropped off at pre-school or a babysitter.
Remember that the younger the child, the less likely he is to be able to verbalize his feelings and instead, will act them out. He might just feel a pervasive anxiety, helplessness, and insecurity, and have a tendency to blame himself. Thinking that the missing parent left because of their misbehavior, young children might think they are being punished.
The young child especially needs to feel acceptance from you and needs to feel he is important. Rock him, hold him, and most of all, let him know he is safe. If your young child wants to sleep in bed with you, let him. Help him relax by giving him simple tasks and rewarding and nurturing his attempts.
Let the child be a child. Do not deal too much with adult issues of the divorce with him. Instead, concentrate on his needs and go overboard in rewarding with hugs, candy, and verbal nurturance that his world is still safe.
Younger children may also act out in anger by throwing tantrums, hitting you or their siblings, and throwing food or toys. They might develop nervous tics such as regularly picking at their noses or eyes. Although they still need you to set limits and consistent discipline for them, they are really seeking stability and love from you to enhance their fragile self-concept. Reward the appropriate behaviors and ignore or time-out the negative behaviors. Provide your young ones with fun things to do and assure them that the home is still a safe one for them.
Older children
Older children may still feel that the divorce or separation is their fault, but they are more able to verbalize their fears. Behaviors to look for in older children consist of withdrawal from you at home or from their friends at school; impulsive behaviors such as overeating or hitting objects; self destructive behaviors such as not eating or physically harming themselves; sleeping more than usual; bullying their peers or siblings; crying; drug abuse; and rebellion displayed in dress, change of friends, truancy from school, engaging in fights at school, a significant drop in school grades, or sexual acting out and teen pregnancy. Also, remember to monitor computer usage and sites to find indications of threats of violence to themselves or others.
Engage your older child in conversation about her feelings. Let the child take the initiative in terms of what questions, fears, or feelings she might have. Encourage her to share the anxieties, anger, or resentment she is feeling, rather than acting it out.
If your child is unable or unwilling to discuss the situation with you, or is exhibiting any self-destructive behaviors, please, as soon as possible, seek professional therapy. School psychologists, child and adolescent therapists are specifically trained to help your youngster process his fears, feelings of helplessness, depression, confusion, and fragile self-esteem. Many times, a very young child is encouraged to draw pictures of — for example — a house, a tree, and a person. Then the therapist helps the child resolve his issues based on the interpretation of such pictures.
In this day and age, remember, you are not alone. There are many divorce groups, professional therapists, extended family members and friends who can provide you with support and help you regain the strength that you will need to focus on your children. You might not think so at this time, but you can gain strength and meaning from going through this process.
Life is precious, and in the grand scheme of things, short. You are human, and humans make mistakes. Remember this when providing emotional support and strength for your children. Try not to focus on your guilt, because your older children can feel this and will then try to manipulate you for their own benefit. Use resources to help reduce your children’s stress and help them become the happy and successful adults they can be even after experiencing their parents’ divorce.
Nancy L. Weiss has a masters in child psychology and was a school psychologist for a number of years working with children ages 3 to 17. She never met a child she didn’t love, relate to, and engage with. She herself was a child of a divorce many years ago when it was rare and traumatizing.
