Bullying is repeated hurtful actions that a child is unable to stop. Bullying alone can lead to serious problems from anxiety and academic decline to depression and even suicidal thoughts and actions. Here are some ways to help your child who is being bullied.
Ask Questions
Carve out some time with your child to explore the issue in depth. It’s important to take the time to really listen to your child. Ask the questions below and actively LISTEN to the answers, even when you want to jump in and rescue your child. Try not to tell her what she should do or how you think she should feel.
Ask: “Tell me what is happening?”; “How often?”; “Is it happening through texts or social media?”; “Did you try to stop the behavior or get help?”
If the child tried but was unable to stop the hurtful behavior, chances are, it really is bullying.
Next, just let her tell the story, asking for details if you need to, such as: “Is it one person or a group? Are they hurting you or threatening to hurt you? Are they insulting you? Are they excluding you from play and conversation?
It’s important to know if the bullying is affecting her schoolwork, sleep, or eating. Is she losing friendships or doing fewer activities? Is she withdrawing or being more aggressive than usual? Is she blaming herself entirely? If the answer to any of these questions is “yes,” then you should seriously consider involving professionals.
Schools in New York State are mandated to respond to bullying. If your child remains affected after the school has dealt with the issue, it’s advisable to seek professional help from someone with experience with this issue.
RELATED: Bullying Prevention: What Parents Can Do
Help Identify & Accept Feelings
Bullying is bullying because it evokes negative feelings, often a number of feelings at the same time. That is confusing, even for adults. A child may not even understand that she can have more than one feeling at once.
When you ask your child how she is being hurt give her a menu of emotion options. Say, “These things can make kids feel a lot of feelings. They can feel hurt, angry, scared, and ashamed.” There are feeling charts on the Internet to help children identify feelings which are very useful for these situations.
It’s very tempting for a parent to say to a child, “Don’t let it get to you.” I know very few adults, let alone children, who can remain unaffected by a social hurt or rejection. Saying “Don’t let it get to you” will usually just stop the child from talking to you, which is not good.
Monitor social media and texts. It’s important that you tell the child you are doing this and explain why. “Cyber-bullying” is particularly toxic because it invades the child’s personal space.
Resolving this bullying issue may take some time. It may be a challenge to communicate effectively with your child, especially when there are other children, aging parents, job stresses, and the myriad of other concerns that drain our time. Scheduling and limiting the time you take to discuss this issue is a good idea. Talking endlessly about this problem can almost be as bad as not talking at all.
Know What to Say to, “Why Am I Being Targeted?”
Children often ask this question, and it’s important for parents to have a good response. There is no excuse for bullying, period. Wondering why you have become a target is very toxic, but very hard to stop. While it’s true that being “different” in some way can trigger bullying, a child can be chosen at random, almost as a sport. Or, she can be chosen precisely because she is socially successful. Your child needs to know that she is okay as is, that there is nothing wrong with her because she has been bullied. All kinds of people have experienced bullying.
You may want to intervene directly with the bullying child or her family. But that is something best left to the professionals.
