I have three kids ranging from 4 to 11 years old and while visiting with friends at a party recently, the topic of giving “the talk” to our kids came up. I haven’t spoken about sex at all in our home. (I’m terrified to do this since I never received it from my parents.) Can you give me some tips about what to do?
I’ve got great news: I don’t recommend that parents give their kids “the talk.” Feel relieved yet? Honestly, if you think having the talk is scary for you, just ask your kids! Nobody likes it — and for good reason! I have found this one-time, pressure-focused, anxiety-ridden conversation is overrated and really ineffective because parents are too nervous, teens zone out, and, often, it’s given far too late. So instead, here are four tips to help you through.
Have small talks
I strongly urge parents to have smaller, more manageable talks about sex and sexuality as your kids grow up so that they (and you) can get comfortable answering bigger questions. The key is that you want your kids to guide you when and how deep you go in this topic.
I have 4-year-old twins and my one son already asked me if “Mommy has a penis.” When I explained that I don’t (because I’m a girl and he is a boy) — he looked amazed and then off he went to play with his trains.
I thought to myself — sex education has started in our home today! Later that day, he said to me, “Oh, Mommy, I have so many questions!” and I responded, “Great — I want to be the person you come to with all your questions!”
Use media around you
While I understand why you don’t feel comfortable talking about sex (since this was not modeled for you by your parents), it’s still extremely important that you face your fears and address this topic gradually with your kids. I’ve learned that if parents are uncomfortable talking about sex, kids won’t come to them with their questions and will instead go to their friends and social media for answers (which may give inaccurate or inappropriate information).
For your older kids, try using media around you to start up the conversation. For example, the next time you watch a TV show or movie showing teens being sexually active, ask your teens what they think about it (see tip three for more guidance). Using media is a great way to start up the conversation.
One client’s son (age 14) asked his dad “Is sex really good?” because he saw it on a billboard while driving in the car. The dad said it was one of their most honest conversations, and it all started thanks to a media advertisement!
Talk about values
In school, your kids will often learn about sex education, the importance of protection, sexually-transmitted diseases, and the other mechanical aspects of sex. It’s important that they know this information. However, in addition, it’s important to talk about the value of sex. What are their values? Do they want to wait till they are: 16, in love, in college, married, dating a person for a minimum of three months?
Many teens will have some ideas, but talking it out helps to articulate it. It’s important to have your kids think about their values in advance so that they know how they want to respond. Remember: don’t tell your kids what to think, teach them how to think, especially with this topic.
Develop a great relationship with a health care provider
Once you’ve covered more of the emotional aspects of sex, make sure your kids have the right information on the physical side of sex. Many pre-teens and teens believe myths about sex (for example, that you can’t get pregnant the first time). It’s important that your kids develop a relationship with a great health care provider with whom they can build a rapport and who can answer some of those specific questions. Then, if they do decide to be sexually active, they have a relationship with someone whom they can go to, in addition to you.
Dr. Karyn is one of North America’s leading relationship and parenting experts. A national media consultant, motivational speaker to more than a quarter million people and author of “Dr. Karyn’s Guide to the Teen Years” (Harper Collins) — Dr. Karyn’s style is passionate and pragmatic. Visit www.drkaryn.com for more information.
