How to Nail Co-Parenting with Your Ex
Eight vital tips for successful co-parenting
I started my co-parenting journey in the middle of a pandemic, and I promise you it was not all sunshine and rainbows. Think: working remotely while schooling remotely with an essential worker co-parent who was not remotely able to help out. It was tough, but I learned a lot along the way.
While some married people feel like single parents, there’s no loneliness in the world like actual single parenting. Unless you have the most stable relationship in the world with your former spouse, the days will be long and the parenting will be solo. But, you will figure it out eventually; not for your ex and not for you, but for your children.
As a parent, nearly everything you do is for your kids, of course. Of all the things you do for them, working to strengthen your co-parenting relationship is likely to be one of the most important. Here are some tips to help you successfully navigate co-parenting with your ex.
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Nail down schedules ASAP.
You likely have your custody agreement, or the schedule to which you and your former spouse adhere. But have you discussed holidays yet? Vacations? It’s so much better to discuss these things in advance than to wait until they creep up and can cause an argument.
Never speak poorly of each other.
One of the most damaging things you can do as a divorced parent is speak badly of your former spouse to your child. It not only puts the child in a bad situation where they feel forced to choose, but it could affect their relationship with that parent or even with you. Believe me, there have been times my kids caught a look or a sigh, or maybe worse. I’m far from perfect. But I try to speak positively of my ex to my children and encourage their relationship with their dad whenever I can. It’s helpful to remember that there is nothing beneficial to be gained from negativity.
Discuss each child’s needs sooner than later.
It’s easy to assume that the “weekday parent” will take the kids to all of their appointments, but it’s not necessarily fair. My ex and I try to switch off with appointments so it’s divided more evenly. If you can, speak to your former spouse while the year is still young about all doctor’s appointments, extracurricular activities, afterschool jobs, etc. You won’t be able to iron out the whole year, but at least you can get into a rhythm that will keep the flow of responsibilities in check.
Always put the kids first.
This might seem like a no-brainer, but it’s possible to slip up and forget, in the heat of the moment, when tensions are running high, that the children are the very reason you still are in contact with an ex at all. Sometimes, the best thing you do is stop and think of what is best for your children. It’s also important to ensure any new partners understand this as well. If your new partner is more concerned about themselves than what’s best for your kids, it might be time to reconsider if this is the right person for you.
Make a plan for new partners.
Speaking of new partners, the time to agree on how they will be handled was yesterday. If you don’t yet have a plan in place, make one now. The effects of prematurely introducing a child to a new adult can be catastrophic for a child’s mental health. Ideally, any new partners should meet the former spouse before the child does and concerns should be addressed both promptly and privately.
Don’t leave the other parent in the dark.
One thing my ex sometimes does that drives me batty is not answer when I text. I’m rarely (if ever) reaching out for anything other than reasons related to our children, so every text should be met with some degree of respectful speed. Obviously, there will be times when you can’t reply immediately, but if you have muted your ex’s messages out of spite, the one who is hurt in the long run is the child.
Communicate, communicate, communicate.
Ask any parenting expert and they will firmly tell you communication is the key to any healthy relationship, even one between former spouses. It’s more important than ever that you share all information concerning your child with your co-parent. Everything from changes in the daily schedule to health or behavior concerns should be discussed as soon as possible.
Keep your emotions in check.
This might be easier said than done, and I’m as guilty as the next person of unleashing my emotions on my ex at times. It’s important to remember that you are no longer married and your personal feelings are likely irrelevant to your former partner. They might frustrate you more now than they even did in marriage, but there is no need for tearful phone calls or angry texts. Do yourself a favor and keep the peace. Save the venting for your bestie, and be sure to do it when the kids aren’t around.
