There Is No One Right Way to Give Birth
If you’ve ever made a birth plan — or even just scrolled through birth stories on social media — you know how easy it is to feel like there’s a “right” way to give birth. In this honest and deeply reassuring excerpt from her new book Then Comes Baby: An Honest Conversation about Birth, Postpartum, and the Complex Transition to Parenthood, OB/GYN (and New York mom of two!) Dr. Jessica Vernon reminds us that birth doesn’t always go according to plan — and that’s okay. She shares real talk from her years of working with families, plus a bit of her own story, to help expecting parents feel more prepared, more supported, and less pressured to have the “perfect” birth.
Whether you’re a first-time parent or just need a gentle reminder, her message is one we all need to hear: there’s no one right way to give birth.
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I once heard a hospital consultant say that labor and delivery is a cross between a wedding and an emergency room. Just like on a wedding day, you might have a vision for how things will go in a perfect, idealized state, but often things do not go according to plan. It can be disappointing if you are not prepared for all of the possible ways and reasons your birth experience may not reflect what you envisioned. The truth is this: there’s no right way to give birth; there are only preferences.
If you do make a birth plan, make a plan that is flexible and give yourself compassion when things don’t go as planned. Sometimes this means small changes, such as birth parents deciding they want an epidural, or big changes, such as needing an emergency C-section. I have seen many birth parents so set on accomplishing their ideal birth goals that when things do not go according to plan, they feel like failures as parents and as people whose bodies are supposed to “intuitively know what to do.” I always try to help my patients truly believe that every birth is sacred in its own right, no matter how it happens. The goal is a safe and healthy baby and birth parent.
Birth experiences are often shared and publicized across social media. In the best cases, this celebration of birth has helped many women overcome their fears and feel empowered. But it can also lead to a greater sense of judgment and loneliness if you feel your birth experience differs from what you see online. There are images all over social media of women having unmedicated home births, often referred to as “natural births,” as if giving birth any other way is not natural. These birth stories are wonderful, but they are only one type of birth story. The idealized images run the risk of making you feel that if you are unable to achieve an unmedicated birth or even a vaginal birth, you are a failure.
The truth is that all births can be empowering and beautiful. I was extremely humbled during labor with my first daughter. I had such intense back pain with my contractions that I asked for pain medication when I was only two centimeters dilated. I definitely felt that I must be weak because I could not tolerate the contractions when I was not even in active labor. I never did get into active labor and I share more of my birth story later—however, I will say I was extremely grateful for morphine sedation and my epidural, even though my initial goal (due mostly to the fact that I wanted to prove myself capable in a society where this was idealized, not because it was actually a personal imperative) was to have an unmedicated birth.
I often see patients who come into the office or to labor and delivery with very detailed birth plans. It’s hard to articulate to someone I have just met that although I’ll try my best to do everything the way they envision, expectations often don’t meet reality. I don’t want to come across as one of those doctors who will move quickly toward interventions, effectively taking away the birth person’s autonomy, so unless I have already gained the patient’s trust, I do not voice everything that I am thinking. So here it is, unfiltered and honest: there is a good chance your labor and birth will not go exactly as you have envisioned. That doesn’t mean it can’t be good.
Birth Plans Are Really Birth Preferences
Birth plans, which I prefer to call “birth preferences” or “birth wishes,” are comprehensive documents stating how the birth parent prefers to give birth. There are countless examples of birth plans online, and your care provider or hospital may also have sample documents for you to use. The amount of detail and focus on specific areas of the experience varies among different birth plans. I do not have a particular birth plan template that I love, so I recommend looking at a few to familiarize yourself with them and then asking your provider about any language in the plan that you do not understand.
A patient once brought me a birth plan and had checked all of the aspects that she had heard an influencer on Instagram say she should check, including a lotus birth, which neither of us even understood. When I Googled it, I saw that it meant keeping the placenta attached to the baby for weeks after birth until the umbilical cord shriveled and detached. Once I explained this to the patient, she immediately told me she definitely did not want that and would prefer to go home with her baby without afterbirth in tow.
All birth plans include details regarding the ambiance while laboring and giving birth, such as who will be in the room, how you prefer the birthing environment, if you want pain control during labor and birth, what type of labor augmentation and interventions you are okay with and which you want to avoid, immediate care of your baby after birth, and whether or not you would like to breastfeed/chestfeed. Birth plans are wonderful in that they can empower you to think about your goals and priorities, as well as decrease your anxiety around your birth experience before it happens. It can help the care team to provide person-centered care.
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However, they can also lead to expectations that often do not match reality. Just remember that ultimately there’s no right way to give birth, and there is no way to completely control your birth process, so create a birth plan that leaves room for flexibility and surprises, rank the importance of the elements of your birth plan, and give yourself compassion when things don’t go as planned.
Although it’s wonderful to have an idea about how you want to birth your baby, the perfect birth cannot be planned. Plus, there are many circumstances under which your goals and preferences may change. Being too rigid in your plans makes it harder for you to negotiate these changes with yourself and your support team. Incorporate some flexibility in your birth plan to allow for the unknown. And develop self-compassion around your body and your birth so that if things go off course, you do not see it as a failure.
Excerpted from Then Comes Baby by Dr. Jessica Vernon. Copyright © 2025 Rowman & Littlefield Publishers. Reprinted with permission from Rowman & Littlefield Publishers. New York, NY. All rights reserved.
Dr. Jessica Vernon, MD, PMH-C, is a Board-Certified OB/GYN who has cared for and supported thousands of people throughout their reproductive journeys over the past 15 years. She is the associate medical director and director of mental health at Oula, a midwifery-based women’s health startup in New York City. As a mom of two, she brings her lived experience with the transition to parenthood to her work. She has a deep passion for providing holistic, people centered, culturally humble care and has developed programs to increase access to perinatal mental health care and improve health equity. She has received professional recognition and has been quoted in the media for both her work and expertise in the field as well as her openness in sharing her own story. She also serves on the board of directors for Postpartum Support International. Then Comes Baby is her first book. Find her online at drjessicavernon.com and on Instagram (@dr.jessicavernon).
