I have always been conscientious. I would prepare for everything and anything my kids might need starting at their birth. If they needed a cool drink, fresh diaper, or toy to keep them occupied, you could find that in my diaper bag. Of course, you’d also find a new set of clothes, some Tylenol, an extra bib, blanket, rattle, and snack. And you also might find a few headache pills for me, every credit card and medical card I owned, a list of things I had to do when I got back home, and a bottle of water in case the train got stuck between stops.
I almost never used any of these back-up objects.
Preparing for going out was combined with daily preparations inside the home, too. Schedule doctor visits, pay the bills, make that consultation with the new accountant, take our dogs to the vet, not to mention the laundry, dishes, feedings, etc.
I had been trying to do everything all at the same time, not let anything slip through the cracks, and control it all. Only I couldn’t. No one can. None of us can do it by ourselves, but I was not accustomed to asking for help. And each “Yes” I agreed to only fueled and heightened my anxiety.
It was the exact worst thing I could have done. I ended up feeling stressed, exhausted, and resentful.
Along the way, I slowly learned how to not do it all, and you can, too. It is especially important during this time of moms repeatedly over-extending themselves in order to make the holidays happen, and turn out happy for everyone (but themselves!).
It all begins with baby steps.
Recognize what you should stop doing. It might be as simple as checking your child’s backpack or searching for your husband’s keys. If the family member — child or adult — is fully capable of doing an age-appropriate task himself or herself, it is not your responsibility to do it for them. Kids have to learn consequences (and so do spouses!).
Say “No.” How many times can we discuss that we need to start saying “No” and then continue to say “Yes”? It can be very easy once we make up our mind to do it. No, we can’t run that bake sale or iron that shirt last minute. No, we can’t make that elaborate dinner just because it’s your favorite or stay late at work to take on a new task. Don’t justify it with a “Well, I actually can if I juggle this and that and stay up late.” Yes, perhaps — technically — we can get the given request done, but what will it cost when we have? Will it make you a cranky and resentful mom and spouse? Then “No, I’m sorry, I can’t do that today” is perfectly acceptable.
Remember that no detailed explanation is needed. A simple, “No, I’m sorry. I can’t do that” is sufficient. We don’t need to explain ourselves away. That short phrase is simple, respectful, and to the point.
Set aside time to recharge. Busy moms need to schedule relaxation time the same way you would a doctor’s appointment. Without regular leisure and downtime, you will run out of steam fast … and then how well will you take care of your family?
Make your weekly commitments a group effort. Spouses and children alike need to participate in the functioning of the family unit, so not all household tasks fall on mom. Create a weekly schedule together to help keep family members on point.
Remember that you are a full person who has needs that have nothing to do with your family, your job, or your friends. Taking time for yourself is an act of self-love (and makes you a wonderful role model for your kids), and only when you care for yourself, can you fully care for the people in your life.
Danielle Sullivan is a writer living in New York City. Follow her on Instagram @Deewrite.
