Stepping Outside Your Marital Routine
While marital routine might be comfortable, research shows that couples who spend time engaging in new activities together are better off than those who do not. In a study led by Arthur Aron, professor of psychology at Stony Brook University, 30 couples spent an hour and a half each week participating in activities they found highly exciting and moderately enjoyable, while an additional 30 couples spent time participating in activities they considered highly enjoyable but only moderately exciting. After 10 weeks, the former group reported a substantial increase in marital satisfaction; the latter reported no change. The bottom line: adding some variety to your relationship can improve it. For New Yorkers looking for inspiration, the city is a wealth of opportunities. Aron suggests “going on a self-guided walking tour in an area of the city you haven’t been to.” Doing something adventurous like a private lesson in rock climbing or trapeze, or taking a sailboat ride around the city are other fun ideas. Or, arrange a spa day or a side-by-side massage.%uFFFD%uFFFD
Aron recommends choosing activities that push both partners past their comfort levels, but not so much that either is apt to balk. To relieve some of the pressure of planning, switch off from date to date so that each week, one person is responsible for coming up with a new idea. “The big message is: make a regular appointment, and do it,” says Aron. “It won’t always work out well, but that’s part of the adventure.”
—Annie Young
Balancing Ideas About Money
As more families adjust to the effects of a worsening economy, money has proven itself to be a litmus test for many marriages. A job loss or pay cut can expose money-related hurts and habits that previously went unnoticed. Betsey Stevenson, assistant professor of business and public policy at the University of Pennsylvania, explains that partners with different spending credos may discover that they are not the best fit after all. “One of the things that makes marriage so valuable is being able to share your consumption,” she points out. She encourages couples to ask themselves: “If we’re fighting over money, is it money, or is it what we’re spending money on, and the fact that we don’t enjoy the same things?”%uFFFD
Additionally, with dual-income households the norm today, long-held ideas about money, gender, and equality are often challenged. “Women in more recent generations have been raised with mixed messages about what their earning options are,” says Hilary Black, editor of the new book “The Secret Currency of Love: The Unabashed Truth About Women, Money, and Relationships.” On the other hand, she says, “Men are pretty much always sent the message that they have to provide. That’s why in the romantic arena, money is a complicated issue.”%uFFFD
To avoid arguments over finances, Black suggests determining up front whether your partner is a saver or a spender. “One of the ways to help navigate conflict is to really sit down and make sure that you share the same financial values,” she says.
Fine-tuning your spending doesn’t have to mean the end of frivolity or fun. Manhattan-based marriage therapist Leo Gorelkin advises couples in a crunch to create loving experiences that don’t cost much. “Let’s say my wife is pining to go to Paris, but we can’t afford it,” he says. “What I can do is get that cheese and that bottle of wine and set it up with a candle just to let her know that I love her and that I care.” Of course, he adds, “Once things are better economically, take her to Paris.”
—Annie Young
Divvying Up The Household Duties
Washing the dishes, taking the kids to playdates, filling out paperwork for school—there was a time when these tasks were largely viewed as a mother’s responsibility. Happily, moms and dads today are much more open to sharing domestic duties. And it has a positive effect on their family life. Francine M. Deutsch, a professor of psychology at Mount Holyoke and the author of “Having It All: How Equally Shared Parenting Works,” says that not only do women feel less overworked, but “men who equally share, despite making compromises in their work lives, are really happy because they develop relationships with their children that [go beyond] what we typically associate with fathers.”
But how do you divide up childcare and domestic chores in a way that’s fair? It depends on the couple. “I don’t think there is only one way to do it,” says Jessica DeGroot, founder and president of the ThirdPath Institute, which coaches families on practicing “Shared Care.” “I’ve interviewed couples who really shared every task. They alternated taking kids to child care, they divided up time, and each parent spent the same amount of time with the kids. But I also interviewed parents who did things very differently, and sometimes one parent would take the kids to the dentist and the other parent would make sure all their school forms were filled out.”
The key is communicating your wishes to your partner. “For some families, it really helps to just sit down at the beginning of the week,” says DeGroot. “There are families who make charts—sometimes that helps.” DeGroot recommends talking to your partner about both the work and family goals you have, and which childcare and household duties best play to your strengths.
—Theodora Guliadis
Staying Connected In The Bedroom
No matter how much you read or talk about it beforehand, the fact is that you can’t know how a baby will change your relationship until you have one. “Even the most educated people are completely unprepared for what’s going to happen,” says John Gottman,%uFFFD coauthor along with his wife, Julie Schwartz Gottman, of “And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan For Preserving Marital Intimacy And Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives.” According to the Gottmans, around six months after baby’s arrival, reality sets in and parents see that “the no sex is not going to be temporary.”%uFFFD
So how do you keep the flames of romance alive? A little planning can go a long way. While couples often are resistant to scheduling sex, marriage and family therapist Dr. Rachel Sussman says she’s never seen it backfire. “Making a point of connecting physically on a regular basis, even if it feels canned, can remind you why you’re with this person in the first place,” she says. To ensure that adult “alone time” isn’t interrupted, Sussman recommends teaching children proper sleep habits, including falling asleep in their own beds. And if all else fails, look at the interruptions as an unexpected aphrodisiac; when parents have to sneak around and keep the noise to a minimum, sex can take on a “transgressive quality that makes it like making out, like teenagers,” says Paula Derrow, author of the new anthology “Behind the Bedroom Door: Getting It, Giving It, Loving It, Missing It.”
And what about the age-old question of quality vs. quantity?%uFFFD While both are important when it comes to sex, Sussman puts emphasis on the latter: “If you go three or four weeks without having sex or a date,” she says, “it starts eroding the fabric of the connection.”%uFFFD
Ultimately, couples who had a passionate physical connection before becoming parents can gain that connection back if they just cut themselves a little slack for the time being. “If you have intimacy, friendship, and comfort together,” sums up Sussman, “then the sex will follow.”
—Elizabeth Zelma
