Whoever made up the simple but powerful saying, “No regrets” probably wasn’t a parent. Six months into this mommy gig and I already have a laundry list of things that I wish I had done differently, or not at all. I know the list will only grow as my baby becomes a toddler and then develops into a walking, talking child with curiosities, obsessions, fears, demands, and the like, and I realize that’s inevitable. But still, there are just a few things I will probably do differently the second time around.
Regret #1: Waking up my baby to feed her when she was a newborn. Upon leaving the hospital, my midwife and all of the nurses recommended feeding the baby every two hours. At first, I didn’t mind the frequent feedings. I’d set my alarm for midnight, 2am, 4am, and 6am, nudge her awake each time in her bassinet, and then put her back down after a long, slow stretch of breastfeeding for 45 minutes–or longer! Sometimes, I was so tired that I’d fall asleep while cradling her in my arms. This completely freaked me out. I’m no doctor, but I think allowing both of us to sleep for four hour increments would have been the way to go. As long as my next baby is gaining weight, there’s no sense in depriving both of us of rest.
Regret #2: Not doing more skin-to-skin when she was tiny. Now that my daughter is almost sitting up on her own, she’s less content to lie on me for cuddles. I miss the days when we would curl up, skin-to-skin enjoying each other’s company. In a lot of ways, I don’t think I took advantage of her willingness to be so close.
Regret #3: Allowing so many visitors at the house. We had seven visitors the first 48 hours and the number increased exponentially with each passing weekend. Instead of spending the first couple of weeks enjoying our newborn in relative peace and quiet, we were watching friends and family play “pass the baby,” giving tours of our new home, and walking out-of-towners around our neighborhood. Next time, nobody is coming over until the two-week honeymoon period is over.
Regret #4: Reading any books related to sleep. I love a good parenting book, but I wish I hadn’t read any of the myriad literature on sleep. It’s made an already cloudy situation all the more confusing and has created expectations that aren’t in line with what I’m interested in doing. This is one area where I want to let my parenting instincts take control for baby number two.
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Regret #5: Not being nicer to my own mom. I was very adamant about mothering in my own 21st Century way from the beginning and I probably hurt my own mother in the process. I wish I had been more careful with her thoughts and concerns, especially as she gets acquainted with the role of Grandma. Next time, I’ll know better.
Regret #6: Comparing my baby to others. Do I really need to explain this? It’s never a good idea to judge how your little one is progressing–as long as it’s somewhere within the normal range–when looking at other people’s kids.
Regret #7: Forgetting to write. Ever since I got a fancy-schmancy new camera, I’ve been opting to take pictures of my baby instead of writing down all the mini memories and tiny milestones. The photos are fun but I shouldn’t completely rely on rampant snapping. My words can sometimes do a better job at capturing exactly what was happening in our lives.
Regret #8: Ever saying to myself: “I can’t wait until…” I’ve constantly been reaching for the next thing as a parent, whether it’s helping my daughter sit up on her own or willing her to speak extra early. I catch myself frequently saying: “I can’t wait until she can do this or that!” I need to start living in the moment more and stop wishing for the next exciting thing to happen. This feels especially true when I look back on photos from her first days and wish I could relive them. I will be looking back on today soon enough, hopefully with fewer regrets!
Whitney C. Harris is a freelance writer living in Westchester, NY. She had her first child, a daughter named Rowan, last summer. Find her at whitneycharris.com.
