On a recent afternoon on the Upper West Side, six-year-old Sam came home from day camp and proudly announced to his mother, “I hit three grand slam home runs today, and they all went over the fence and out of camp.” Knowing that her son is not a tremendous athlete (and that the declared feat would be nearly impossible), Elizabeth Aaron nevertheless indulged her son. “That’s amazing!” she told him. Still, she wondered what the best response would have been to the whopper of a story.
Sam’s tall tale is not an unusual childhood occurrence. Research shows that children as young as two or three commonly learn to tell lies. And, perhaps surprisingly, parents should be pleased; constructing and communicating an idea outside of the truth or reality is actually a developmental milestone. Dina Spiegel, a child psychologist in private practice in New York and mother of two, says that lying is a sophisticated social tool. “In order for kids to lie successfully, they have to have underlying skills,” Spiegel says. This includes a number of abilities from understanding perspective to emotional control.
Of course, concealing the truth on a regular basis past the age of six or seven is likely cause for concern, but for the child who occasionally lies, Spiegel sees it as part of an important learning process. Lying may be a fact of life, but why do kids do it and how should parents respond?
A two-year-old who wants lollipops for dinner may tell her father, “Mommy lets me eat these.” Toddlers aren’t fully aware of how others view things and often tell simple, self-serving lies. In this case, the child is attempting to manipulate a situation to her own benefit. Rather than addressing the lie, parents should assert specifically what is problematic. For instance, the father might say, “We don’t want you to have lollipops because Mommy and Daddy want you to eat a healthy dinner.”
If you don’t want your child to lie, be careful not to ask questions in a way that will encourage or shame a child into lying. Ania Siwek, a child and adolescent psychologist in private practice and New York City mom of two, advises, “If a toy breaks and you ask the child, ‘Did you break this toy?’ you’re setting him up to tell a lie. You might say, ‘Aww, the toy broke. What happened?’ It doesn’t place the same blame on the child.”
Another common experience occurs when asking your child if she has brushed her teeth. Five-year-old Tessa Mank will often say she has, and then promptly giggle. “I know it doesn’t come from a devious, manipulative place,” her mother, Lauren, says. Spiegel agrees and suggests that parents like Tessa’s mom focus on the objective: getting your child to brush her teeth. To address the situation, parents can simply ask their child, “Do you need help brushing your teeth before bed?”
While lying to avoid an unpleasant task is a common at any age, preschoolers seem to excel in the fanciful storytelling department. But this isn’t a reflection of character; as they learn the concept of time and gain the skills for pretend play, the line between reality and make-believe can often blur for young ones. Dahlia Prager’s three-year-old son, Jonah, recently told her that he was an astronaut when he was a baby. Rather than look at these stories as bending the truth or bold-faced lies, Spiegel insists that children are simply just engaging with and working on creative play and imagination. Moreover, to acknowledge the child’s wish or fantasy, Siwek suggests that a parent respond in an honest but encouraging way, such as saying, “Wouldn’t that be exciting, to visit the moon?”
To be sure, kids engage in lying for many of the same reasons that adults tell lies. As Spiegel explains: “[Children] might be ashamed and try to manipulate a situation so that their inadequacies aren’t obvious to others. Sometimes they lie to keep their parents or adults happy. Sometimes kids aren’t sure when to tell the truth. Sometimes they’re avoiding punishment. Sometimes children try on different hats and try out different roles and explore adult reactions to those roles.”
Surely these are reasons we’ve all told lies—so what are we to make of Sam Aaron and his fictitious grand slam home runs? Siwek says that kids at this age are more likely to lie in an effort to impress others. In Sam’s case, he may be looking for his mother’s approval and attention. Sam’s story was a way for him to feel good about himself, and the fabricated accomplishment was an attempt for him to achieve the type of rewarding response he in fact received: “That’s amazing!”
But should parents address the lying? According to Spiegel and Siwek, the answer is yes—and no. Spiegel stresses that as a general rule, it’s important to look at the motivation for a child’s lie. “Why did he feel like he needed to make that up? Did he feel like his truthful story wasn’t good enough?” she says. Identifying why the child is feeling vulnerable, insecure, or in need of attention will enable a parent to address the underlying issue, which is what’s most important.
“The more you put a magnifying glass on his or her mistakes, the more the child is going to feel badly about the things he or she is doing wrong,” says Spiegel.
Siwek agrees, “Your goal is to educate kids as to why lying is wrong, but if you make them defensive, it doesn’t teach them not to lie.”
Another note of caution: When a child lies about having finished her homework, parents should be more concerned as to why the child isn’t doing her assignments. “If you just address the lying and give a consequence for lying, [then] you don’t address the inadequacy the child is trying to cover up,” says Spiegel. Parents should focus on creating an open and honest environment in which children feel good about telling the truth and are commended for admitting to things they could have kept secret.
Recognizing that we are all humans with the complex social skills to lie—and that much of kid lying is a normal part of development—should help parents remain calm when they hear their child fibbing. And if we can teach our child to tell the difference between a pro-social lie told to help smooth over someone’s feelings and a lie that’s told purely to obscure the truth, well that’s a grand slam home run for parenting.
Tali Rosenblatt-Cohen is an Upper West Side mother of three children who have never, ever told a lie.
And to learn about how to properly model lying for children, click here.
