I have to remember that I can’t expect my son, at age 11, to exhibit Gandhi-like judgment in his personal affairs—especially since I can hardly lay claim to being the perfect example of forbearance and fairness either, and I’ve had five decades to perfect my being. But this morning presented a classic in the annals of childhood friendship and empathy—and as is my inclination, I interceded, maybe more than I should have.
The minimal version of the story is that a few weeks ago, Adam felt deeply slighted and upset when, it seemed, he was purposely excluded from an activity planned by a group of his friends. My wife and I had a good number of chats with him about friendship, feelings, and, overall, how to manage the situation in a way that felt comfortable and hopeful. Fast forward to this week’s drama, in which he finds himself on the inside of a plan that, actively or passively, may exclude another friend. My point to him this morning was that he didn’t have to look too far into the past to remember how it feels to be on the outside. And, frustrated, I was over-the-top in my insistence: “Don’t let this happen. Don’t tell me later this isn’t fixed,” I said, as if it’s easy for an 11-year-old to go against the tide of a friend group on anything.
What my wife and I are coming to see is that Adam is at a stage of life where he still needs to hear from us in a big way, and where he especially needs to hear the adult view of good behavior. But the trick for us, and for him, is that he also needs to start learning from his own experiences without us coercing him to do the right thing.
So how to weigh in and how much to pull back?
He and I are having dinner by ourselves tonight.
I wonder what he’s going to say and I wonder what I’m going to say.
Eric Messinger is the editor of New York Family. He can be reached at [email protected]
POSTSCRIPT
In fairness to my son, I want to add that the very first thing Adam told me when we met at the end of the day — before I could even say hello — was that his friend would be part of the outing. Later, when I sorted through the details over dinner, what became clear was that Adam tried his best to make sure it happened. I was really impressed and let him know that he had a lot to be proud of.
