For fear of sounding overly proud, I rarely speak publicly of my seventh grade daughter’s academic successes. But something happened the other night… It pained her so much to talk about a class she’s struggling in that she started to cry. I, too, was a child whose grades loomed very large in my overall sense of self—and I tried to be supportive, assuring her that she’s very capable and that everything will work out fine. The next day, however, I was privy to a piece of bad news from an acquaintance that involved her own daughter and a health issue. That night, I had much different words for Elena.
On the first night, I had basically focused on her ability to do better in the subject, which is Spanish. Yes, I talked about taking the long view and keeping in mind that whatever she does in life, there are going to be challenges but the qualities that make her successful—intelligence, hard work, determination, creativity—are going to see her through most of the time. We also talked more specifically about how she was approaching her Spanish tests, which struck me as relying a little too much on cramming and not enough on daily learning. In a way that I hope sounded gentle enough, I shared my assessment. “You can do better here,” I said. “Let’s figure it out.”
The next day, after my friend had mentioned her daughter’s health problem, I was rattled. Amid all the agony caused by Sandy, it was just another reminder of how deeply unfair and fickle life can be at times. I wanted to get Elena on the phone, but couldn’t reach her until about 4pm when she was home for school. Who knows if years from now she will even remember having a conversation with me about seventh grade Spanish? What’s more important right now, and forever, is a kind of emotional memory–the buoying force of a happy childhood. There is really only one good answer for tears. I called her and said, “I was thinking about your Spanish class and everything we talked about, and I want to add something.”
“Sure, what’s that?” she said somewhat warily.
“I love you.”
Eric Messinger is Editor of New York Family. He can be reached at [email protected]
