One of the most challenging aspects of working with pregnant and postpartum women is not the medical situations that may arise but seeing how women still self-blame for events or behavior that are out of their control. An example I see often is the new mom with a baby who has completely normal periods of being fussy, and Mom twists herself into knots trying to find the answer to her little one’s distress. Is it that I eat dairy? Is it that baby napped in this blanket rather than the other blanket? Is it that I am unfit as a mother? In reality, our perspective due to the physical and emotional exhaustion of becoming a new parent is often vaguely skewed during our early weeks of newborn hazing.

Pregnancy, particularly one’s first, can be a time of either confidence boosting or becoming more insecure about what is to come. Here are some of my top pieces of advice for pregnant women; some are serious, and some are about having fun. For all the stresses that can unfold with becoming a new parent, it is still meant to be a joyful experience. If we can build our physical and emotional confidence during pregnancy, often the transition to the role of parent is more kind to us once the baby is here.

Stop the denial. Here is a common pregnancy rationalization I see: “My doctor is really great clinically but has no bedside manner or time for me. But if there is an emergency, he/she will be great.” Basically what you are saying is that your provider will be great about 1% of the time. But don’t you deserve it all? Raise the bar, challenge yourself to find an obstetrical provider who is clinically sound but also really nice to you while you are in a heightened state of vulnerability. If someone is abrupt or impatient with us in our prenatal visit, how will they care for us when we are in labor? Ask your girlfriends about what they liked and didn’t like about their OBs, midwives or family practice doctors. Don’t be afraid to interview providers and tour their hospitals or birth centers early on. The hunt is worth it: there are great obstetricians, family doctors and midwives that embody solid clinical practice and compassionate understanding.

Manicures and massages are a must. Taking care of you is taking care of the baby. Pregnancy is a time to fill up physically and emotionally. This means self nurture: good food, rest and bodywork. And it doesn’t have to be manicures and massages—it could be yoga, cutting your work from five days a week to four, or splurging on fabulous belly lotion you use every night. Taking time to do what we personally consider our “self-care” routines reduces anxiety and reconnects us to the big picture.

Take control of what you can and let go of what you can’t. This is what we have control over during pregnancy: how we care for ourselves, our choice of provider and how we prepare ourselves. That’s about it. Sometimes, because of a heightened awareness of our vulnerability, we try to ramp up our attempts at control. It can be startling that a very personal process is being publicly shared. While we are not generally used to sharing the softer side of ourselves, our fledgling vulnerability becomes our strength in pregnancy, birthing and parenting. There is a difference between acknowledging our need for connectedness and being “dependent.” Pregnancy encourages an interdependence of relationships and community that is essential to you and your family’s well-being.

Forget cheese and wine bans. For me, diet soda is one of the few absolute “no”s. Popular artificial sweeteners have been linked to some pretty terrible things for developing babies. As for cheese, it needs to be made with pasteurized milk or aged for 60 days, and it’s pretty hard to find cheese that doesn’t fall into this category. And if you have hurdled the first trimester and have a glass of vino at a wedding reception, your provider will probably reassure you it’s all right. Fetal alcohol syndrome comes from repeated daily exposure, not a single drink on a special occasion. I’m guessing that eight months in, we could almost all benefit from some good cheese and a thimble of wine.

First trimester prenatal vitamins are not the “be all, end all.” The reality is, we often feel really sick to our stomachs, and these horse pills tend to aggravate the morning sickness. Here’s what helps: Take them with meals—dinner rather than morning. A really great option to try is liquid vitamins, often found in health food stores, or even the kids’ chewable options. Both of these tend to be much easier on our fragile sense of smell and stomach in the first weeks of pregnancy.

Pregnancy is about food. There is no better time in our life to look at the quality of the food we put into ourselves. If we are going to eat greens, organic greens have more vitamins and minerals and less toxins than non-organic. Broiled fish has more healthy omegas than fried. The quality of how food was raised or harvested impacts our growing baby, and in thinking long-term, the world we raise our child in. One of the top three “green” choices one can make during pregnancy and parenting is your food sources.

Your life is not ending—it’s just a new beginning. Your first pregnancy doesn’t have to be the time to finish your thesis, perfect your job or renovate the kitchen. Since people have started waiting a little longer to have kids, pregnancy has suddenly become a nine-month deadline for our great Checklist of Life. Yet, becoming a parent makes you smarter, teaching you how to share, prioritize, think faster and multitask. All these skills will help you achieve whatever you think you need to—it just doesn’t have to be this very second. Personally, I don’t recommend major purchases or renovations until your kids are past spilling things on the sofa, pulling out drawers so hard that they break or gouging the walls and scratching the floors as they move furniture to make forts. We definitely need to get space ready for the baby but the idea that the whole house has to be ready to begin this beautifully messy episode of your life may be time and money better spent elsewhere.

Don’t read (or do stop reading) parenting books that give you anxiety.

Instead, try some of the books by people such as Penny Simkin (Pregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn), Sheila Kitzinger (The Complete Book of Pregnancy and Childbirth), myself (The Big Book of Birth) and William Sears (The Pregnancy Book). Some popular pregnancy books can be experienced as high anxiety. Soon-to-be-mothers need pregnancy books that increase confidence.

Here’s wishing you less worry and more enjoyment!

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Two Great Resources For Expectant Parents

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Birth360

Erica Lyon, author of The Big Book of Birth, has recently launched a website for new and expectant parents, birth360.com. As the founder of Realbirth, Lyon spent seven years helping more than 12,000 New York parents better understand childbirth. Now, she’s back with Birth360—a new resource to guide the city’s childbirth education efforts. With dozens of short and informative films on everything from surviving postpartum to prepping the older child for the arrival of a sibling, birth360.com delivers Lyon’s relaxed, humorous yet practical style to a national audience.

Tribeca Parenting

Lyon is also the consulting Education Director at Tribeca Parenting (tribecaparenting.com), a citywide pregnancy, postpartum and parenting education center affiliated with Tribeca Pediatrics. Offering a variety of classes to help expectant parents through a healthy and happy pregnancy and delivery, Tribeca Parenting guides new moms and dads through the exciting transition into parenthood.

For more tips on pregnancy and new parenthood, see our Born & Bred blog at newyorkfamily.com.