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Bye, Bye, Baby
When A Son Gives Up Hand-Holding, It's More Than Just Letting Go
And so, it happened. The day I was dreading. My eight-year-old, dimple-faced boy dropped my hand yesterday as we approached his school.
It wasn't as obvious a drop as my older son gave me when he was that age. I think he feigned a stretch or a shrug or a jacket-adjustment, when he decided he was too old to hold his mother's hand in public. Whenever I tried to re-grasp his hand (thinking the loss of it must have been some kind of mistake), he kept it flat and lifeless like a fishmonger's filet, with a decided lack of reciprocation. I got the message—over and out.
At that time, I had a four-year-old and a baby in a stroller, so losing hold of my firstborn's hand didn't feel so traumatic. In fact, it probably felt freeing. Losing hold of my lastborn's hand doesn't feel as freeing, though. It feels like the end of an era. It feels like rain.
As a woman who loves children (especially her own) I should, ironically, consider myself lucky. I had close to 15 years of holding little hands in mine. Walking my kids to school in the morning (except, I admit, for meltdown mornings) has given me some of the sweetest imprints of my life. I've loved the thoughts exchanged, the observations, the seriousness, the excitement of it all.
Over the years, I've learned of mad crushes: "I get so nervous when he stands in our group at recess. Do you think that means I love him?" I've learned of hidden hurts: "I really miss Uncle Gary. I try not to think of him getting sick. It makes me so sad." I've learned of how much we mean to each other: "I'm really glad you're my mom, Mom." All this while holding hands across a sequence of blocks.
Now that I'm down to just one—the older two make their way to school without me—I think I'm walking slower. We never rush. We ease our way down Broadway. I'll stop and fix his head of too-long, unruly blond hair. He's often late. We've even been known to stop for donuts along the way and sit in the tiny shop window, people-watching until our last crumbs are consumed. This sort of behavior would never have happened a few years back.
It's probably melodrama now that makes me feel like losing a hand-hold means losing a life phase. And yet, it's kind of true. My high-school son is off on his own more times than he's home with us. On the rare occasions I catch hold of his hand, the size and feel of it shocks me. When did he grow up? My darling, middle-school daughter, who has a busier social calendar than her older brother, will grab my hand, from time to time, but it's fleeting. Usually it's just for emphasis, like when she's retelling a day's highlight or gushing about a new pair of shoes.
And now my little guy is leaving. Well, he's only in third grade, so he's not going anywhere physically (not even to sleep-away camp), but he is making his move emotionally. There's probably a very wise parenting expert out there who would tell me this is all good. It's developmentally sound. But I think there are generations of parents before me who would agree that this moment really stings. The unclasping of the hand is yet another milestone. It's what happens—it's what has to happen—for your child to be able to walk away and become who he's meant to become.
I think I might cry. Or have an ice cream. I'll be that woman, without a child by her side, at the Mr. Softee truck on 89th & Broadway.
Mary DiPalermo, mom to
an elementary-, a middle-, and a high-schooler, writes and shares her special
parenting perspective on New
York Family's blog "Parenting in
Progress." She lives on the Upper West Side.
Also in Also In Parenting:
nice post
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