As a pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum educator for more than 12 years, it still breaks my heart to see how hard mothers-to-be and new mothers are on themselves. We are often overwhelmed, isolated, and unsure of how to make sense of conflicting information. We also feel guilty about nearly everything. But it doesn’t always have to be that way. Here are my top pieces of advice for pregnant women: some are serious, and some are about having fun, because for all the tears that come with becoming a new parent, it is still meant to be a joyful experience.

Your choice of medical providers is the most important decision you’ll make while pregnant. The majority of people when they find that they are pregnant (after doing three pregnancy tests just to make sure) will call their GYN provider and book an appointment. And if they don’t have a GYN provider, they open their insurance book, look in their zip code, and choose randomly.

Giving birth is one of the most vulnerable moments of our lives, and yet most of us still entrust it to a total stranger. The fact is, not all providers are born equal. Like any profession, there are good ones, lousy ones, bored ones, uptight ones, narrow-minded, broadminded, and great ones. The average prenatal visit in the United States is just seven minutes but, not surprisingly, most people want more than a heartbeat check, an offer of Rolaids, and some Preparation H samples.

Contrary to what many people will have you believe, pregnancy is not actually a “high-risk” situation. There can be situations that become high risk, but a normal pregnancy is officially low risk. So why not be under the care of someone who does appropriate testing yet encourages a relaxed attitude about the normalcy of pregnancy, birth, and becoming a parent?

Finding that person doesn’t always seem easy, but it pays to take your time with the decision. Ask your girlfriends about what they liked and didn’t like about their OBs, midwives, or family practice doctors (all three of these clinical care providers do prenatal care, birth, and postpartum care). Don’t be afraid to interview providers and tour their hospitals or birth centers early on. While we all want the provider who has done this a thousand times, we want her to treat us like it’s our first.

Manicures and massages are a must. Taking care of you is taking care of the baby. And it doesn’t have to be manicures and massages—it could be yoga, cutting your work week from five days to four, or splurging on fabulous organic belly lotion you rub on every night. Sometimes, with all the prenatal focus on “Are we doing anything that could hurt the baby?” we forget the absolute joy of a growing baby. Taking time to do what we personally consider our “self-care” routines reduces anxiety and reconnects us to the big picture.

Take control of what you can and let go of what you can’t. Sometimes, because of a heightened awareness of our vulnerability, we try to ramp up our attempts at control. We do have control over how we take care of ourselves while we are pregnant and who we choose to take care of us and share this experience with. Yet, a very personal process is being publicly shared. While we are not generally used to sharing the softer side of ourselves, our fledgling vulnerability becomes our strength in pregnancy, birthing, and parenting. We realize that as we have to “let it all hang out.” There is a difference between acknowledging our human vulnerability and being “dependent” which, when we’re so used to being independent, sometimes has negative connotations. Pregnancy encourages an interdependence of relationships and community that is essential to you and your family’s well being.

Don’t read (or do stop reading) “What To Expect When You’re Expecting.” Try some of the books by people such as Penny Simkin, Sheila Kitzinger, and William Sears. “What To Expect…” is over, it’s done, it’s high anxiety. While it’s been the “bible” for pregnancy for many years, we don’t seem to be getting less nervous about pregnancy.

Forget cheese, wine, and cat litter bans. For me, diet soda would be the only absolute “no.” Popular artificial sweeteners have been linked to some pretty terrible things for developing babies. As for cheese, it needs to be made with pasteurized milk or aged for 60 days, and almost all cheeses fall into this category. And if you have a glass of wine at a wedding reception, your baby will be fine. Fetal alcohol syndrome comes from repeated daily exposure, not a single drink on a special occasion. I’m guessing that eight months in, we could almost all benefit from some good cheese and glass of wine. As for the cat litter, the statistical reality is that if you own a cat you are probably already immune to the rare illness that can possibly be contracted from cleaning the litter. Even if you aren’t, it affects fetal development in the first 12 weeks, so it’s really about avoiding it in the first trimester. That said, you don’t have to tell your partner this—there’s no reason why he can’t clean the cat box for nine months!

Lots of women didn’t take all their prenatal vitamins in the first trimester, and their babies are okay. The reality is, we often feel really sick to our stomach, and these horse pills tend to aggravate the morning sickness. Taking them with meals helps, yet lots of women find themselves having skipped some days to avoid the overwhelming nausea and fatigue. While I am a big advocate for good nutrition, missing a few vitamins does not need to become something we feel guilty about when pregnant. A really great option is to try liquid vitamins, often found in health food stores, or even the kids’ chewable options. Both of these tend to be much easier on our fragile sense of smell and stomach in the first weeks of pregnancy.

Your life is not ending. Your first pregnancy doesn’t have to be the time to finish your thesis, perfect your job to hand it off with all i’s dotted and t’s crossed, or renovate the kitchen. Since people have started waiting a little longer to have kids, pregnancy has suddenly become a nine-month deadline for our great Checklist of Life. Yet, becoming a parent makes you a smarter person, teaching you how to share more, think faster, and multitask. All these learned skills will help you achieve whatever you think you need to. Becoming a parent is a beginning, not an ending.

Maternity Resources

HOSPITALS

Beyond their excellent maternity wards, many of the major city hospitals offer classes or seminars in everything from childbirth preparation to infant CPR.

Beth Israel Hospital. 16th Street at First Avenue, 212-420-2000 (General), 212-420-2999 (Classes), 212-420-3895 (Patient Care), www.bethisraelny.org.

Columbia Presbyterian Hospital/Babies Hospital/Sloane Hospital for Women. 3959 Broadway at 166th Street, 212-305-2500 (General), 212-305-2040 (Parent Ed.), www.nyph.org.

Lenox Hill Hospital. 100 East 77th Street, 212-434-2000 (General), 212-434-2273 (Parent Education), 212-434-3152 (Babies’ Club), www.lenoxhillhospital.org.

The Mount Sinai Medical Center. 1176 Fifth Avenue at 98th Street, 212-241-6500 (General), 212-241-7491 (Women’s and Children’s Office), 212-241-6578 (Breastfeeding Warm Line), www.mountsinai.org.

New York Presbyterian Hospital at the NY Weill Cornell Center. 525 East 68th Street, 212-746-5454 (General), 212-746-3215 (Parenthood Preparation), www.nyp.org.

New York University Medical Center. 560 First Avenue at 32nd Street, 212-263-7300 (General), 212-263-7201 (Classes), www.nyubaby.org.

Roosevelt Hospital. 1000 Tenth Avenue at 59th Street, 212-523-4000 (General), 212-523-6222 (Classes), www.wehealny.org.

St. Luke’s Hospital. 1111 Amsterdam Avenue at 114th Street, 212-523-4000 (General), 212-523-6222 (Parent/Family Education), www.wehealny.org.

St. Vincent’s Hospital and Medical Center. 170 West 12th Street at Seventh Avenue, 212-604-7000 (General), 212-604-7946 (Maternity Education), www.svcmc.org.

Natural Birthing Centers, The Brooklyn Birthing Center. 2183 Ocean Avenue, Brooklyn, 718-376-6655, www.BrooklynBirthingCenter.com.

Women’s Health & Birthing Pavilion. 70 West Burnside Avenue, Bronx, 718-716-2229, www.mhhc.org.

The Birthing Center at St. Luke’s Roosevelt Hospital. (Please note: this is an in-hospital birthing center.) 1111 Amsterdam Avenue, 212-523-6222, www.nywomenshealth.com.

CHILDBIRTH EDUCATION

Individuals and centers that offer classes and support for a number of maternity-related experiences, from childbirth preparation to postpartum.

Fern Drillings. Various locations, 212-744-6649.

Jewish Community Center. 334 Amsterdam Avenue, 646-505-4444, www.jccmanhattan.org.

Realbirth. 54 West 22nd Street, 212-367-9006; 715 Ninth Avenue, 212-367-9006; www.realbirth.com.

Diana Simkin. Upper East Side locations, 212-348-0208.

92nd Street Y. 1395 Lexington Avenue, 212-415-5500, www.92y.org.

PRENATAL EXERCISE, MASSAGE AND SUPPORT

Special classes for pregnant women now are offered by most gyms and exercise centers. Here are a few special places:

Maternal Fitness. 108 East 16th Street, Fourth Floor, 212-353-1947, www.maternalfitness.com.

Reebok Sports Club/NY. 160 Columbus Avenue at 67th Street, 212-362-6800; 330 East 61st Street, 212-355-5100; 45 Rockefeller Plaza, 212-218-8600; www.thesportsclubla.com.

Prenatal Yoga Center. 251 West 72nd Street, Suite 2F, 212-362-2985, www.prenatalyogacenter.com.

Prenatal Massage Center. 123 West 79th Street, Suite LL2, 212-330-6846, www.prenatalmassagecenter.com.

Spa Bebe. 180 East 16th Street, Fourth Floor, 212-353-1547, www.maternalfitness.com.

Strollercize Inc. 1-800-Y-STROLL, www.strollercize.com.

Tribeca Med Spa. 114 Hudson Street, 212-925-9500, www.tribecamedspa.com.

FERTILITY CLINICS

NYU Fertility Center/NYU Program for IVF. 660 First Avenue, 212-263-8990, www.nyuivf.com.

The Center for Reproductive Medicine and Infertility. 1305 York Avenue, 646-962-CRMI, 888-703-3456, www.ivf.org.

Reproductive Medicine Associates of New Jersey. Morristown: 973-971-4600; West Orange, 973-325-2229; Englewood, 201-569-7773; and Somerset, 732-537-0631; www.rmanj.com.

Reproductive Medicine Associates of New York. Manhattan: 635 Madison Avenue, 212-756-5777; White Plains: 15 North Broadway, Garden Level, Suite G, 914-997-6200; Long Island: 400 Garden City Plaza, Suite 107, 516-749-3633; www.rmany.com.

MATERNITY CLOTHES

A Pea in the Pod. 860 Madison Avenue at 70th Street, 212-988-8039, www.apeainthepod.com.

A Second Chance. 1109 Lexington Avenue, Second Floor, 212-744-6041.

Barneys New York Maternity Department. 660 Madison Avenue at 61st Street, Seventh Floor, 212-826-8900, www.barneys.com.

Belly Dance Maternity. 548 Hudson Street, 212-645-3640, www.bellydancematernity.com.

Cadeau Maternity. 254 Elizabeth Street, 212-994-1810.

Destination Maternity. 28 East 57th Street, 212-588-0220, www.destinationmaternity.com

Eileen Fisher. Various locations in New York; www.eileenfisher.com

Jelly Bean Maternity and Children. 2449 Broadway at 90th Street, 212-769-9099.

Liz Lange Maternity. 958 Madison Avenue, 212-879-2191, www.lizlange.com.

Michele Saint-Laurent. 1028 Lexington Avenue, 212-542-4200.

Mimi Maternity. 1021 Third Avenue, 212-832-2667; 2005 Broadway, 212-721-1999.

Motherhood Maternity. The Manhattan Mall, 32nd Street and Sixth Avenue, 212-564-8813; 1449 Third Avenue, 212-734-5984; 16 West 57th Street, 212-399-9840; 641 Sixth Avenue, 212-741-3488; www.motherhood.com.

Veronique Maternity. 1321 Madison Avenue at 93rd Street, 212-831-7800, www.veroniquematernity.com.

Erica Lyon is the founder of Realbirth (www.realbirth.com) and author of “The Big Book of Birth.”