Family Manners 2.0

Cocktail parties, gift
wrapping, cookie baking—all sure signs the holidays are here. But on top of the
merriment the season brings, there is ample opportunity to commit countless
faux pas, especially if children are adoringly tossed into the mix. Enter: the
First Lady of Etiquette, Emily Post. In the recently released 18th edition of Emily Post’s Etiquette: Manners For A New
World (William Morrow, 2011), Lizzie Post, Emily’s great-great
granddaughter and one of the new generation of Posts, sheds light on some of
today’s trickier issues. Covering 21st Century problems like texting and
Facebooking with class, this iconic hardcover addresses the typical etiquette
quandaries for which the Post Institute is well known. Here, Lizzie Post
advises families on some hard-to-navigate holiday scenarios.   

TABLE MANNERS

Your holiday table is
worthy of a spread in Martha Stewart
Living. Everyone is gathered for your cozy (yet elegant) meal when your
tweenage son whips out his iPhone. How do you keep the peace?

LIZZIE POST: Hopefully what you’ve done beforehand is tell your
kids to put their devices away during holiday and family time. It’s not
appropriate and this is a time you want to focus on the people you’re with. But,
don’t make it seem scandalous that the kid snuck the phone to the table and is
doing this.

DINING OUT

You thought the drama of
dividing a restaurant check ended with your single days. Now you’re out with
Uncle Bob and his brood who all order dessert, Aunt Mary who loves her
cocktails, and your single sister-in-law who just gets a salad. When dining out
en famille, who pays?

LP: Talk about it ahead of time. That way when the check arrives, it’s
not too complicated. [Say], “Let’s all cover our own families,” or just keep it
to entrées and a couple of apps for the entire table and split it [evenly].

TRAVELING NEAR AND FAR

Last year you hosted your
in-laws for the holidays. This year they want you in Boca for Christmas with
the new baby and two kids. It’s just not reasonable for you to spend that much
money on airfare. Is there a way to break the news and avoid hurt feelings?

LP: As nicely and [as] honestly as you can. “We had such a great time
with you last year, but unfortunately it’s not in our budget to make the trip. We
really hope we’ll be able to make it another year.” Don’t say you hope you’ll
be able to make it next year because you haven’t been invited yet! If it’s in
your budget to [host] them, offer that if it works for you.

ATTENDING PERFORMANCES

You adore your best
friend’s daughter, but it’s the fourth year in a row you’ve been invited to the
Christmas performance where she has only one line! Can you politely decline?

LP: If you really cannot fathom going to this event, then say, “I wish I
could come and support her, but it’s not in the cards for [me] tonight.” People
feel they have to give big reasons—I’m sick, I’m out of town—[but] all of those
will get you in big trouble if they aren’t true. Just say no.

ENTERTAINING AT HOME

You’re hosting a group of family
and friends overnight for Thanksgiving. You wake up the next day to an epic
mess. Is it out of the question to ask guests to pitch in with clean up?

LP: It’s not impolite, it’s a big to-do. My mom holds a meeting two
weeks before Thanksgiving and doles out who is going to be doing what. So-and-so is in charge of filling water
glasses and lighting candles. She never gives anyone a rotten task like
taking out garbage or doing dishes. Those definitely fall into the do after your guests leave department.

THE GOOD CONVERSATIONALIST

You’re at a holiday
gathering trying to talk to your tweenage nephew who is accustomed to
communicating primarily via text message. How do you initiate conversation?

LP: You can always ask if he’s into sports, or if there’s an after school
activity he’s into these days. Kids really like it when you’re interested in
them. It’s important to speak to them like you would to the other adults around
the table. And as a mom, I would talk to my kids about what good topics are.

CEREMONIES AND RELIGIOUS SERVICES

You’re in church or
synagogue when your kids suddenly find something utterly hilarious. How do you
deal with the situation without attracting even more attention?

LP: After one or two [nudges] with the elbow, I would very quietly and
discreetly excuse yourself to a different area. You want your kids to participate
and be present, but there are times when kids just can’t and it’s important to
recognize that. Don’t embarrass your child and make them feel horrible

GIVING AND RECEIVING GIFTS

The gift giving and
receiving is never ending today, opening the door for repeat gifts and ones
that are just downright inappropriate. How do you teach a child to receive all
gifts graciously?

LP: Explain to kids that we’re not always that excited about what’s in
the package—and that sometimes it can be something we already have—but it’s
very special when the person who gave us the gift is there. I would talk to my
kids about always putting a smile on my face and saying “thank you so much.”
That’s all they have to say.

FORMAL DINNERS

You don’t want an EpiPen
situation at a formal dinner party, but do you need to adjust your carefully
planned dinner menu to accommodate gluten-free, vegan and carb-free diets?

LP: The best thing to do is when people RSVP is to check in to see if
there are any major food allergies or dietary restrictions. But when it’s the
more picky stuff, say “I haven’t encountered that before, is there a specific
dish you can bring?” Also, ask yourself if there is a hearty version of a salad
that would meet someone’s needs? It doesn’t need to be a faux-duck version of a
main meal! And there are always buffets…