Few parenting articles in recent memory have prompted such an overwhelming and visceral response from the general public as Amy Chua’s “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior.”
An excerpt from her new book, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother,” the essay first appeared in the Wall Street Journal on Saturday, January 8.
We solicited reactions (see below) from a number of people in the world of parenting and education who we have high regard for, and we’ll continue to post their responses as they come in. But there’s a lot of good stuff to chew on already. We hope you’ll join the conversation too.
From Sharon Huang:
“As the oldest daughter of 4 girls born in the US, and growing up in a fairly strict Chinese immigrant household, I can relate to both sides of the debate sparked by the WSJ article excerpted from the book by Amy Chua. The article paints an Asian and Western extreme, and from what I can tell from my personal experience as a mother and as someone who interacts with both Asian and Western parents on a day to day basis, no one is as extreme as is described here, and the ideal parenting style is somewhere in the middle.
It is true that in many ways the achievements of Asian students is impressive, but the emphasis on academic perfection–measured in grades, enrollment in prestigious colleges, and subsequent employment–can take its toll on a child. Feelings of shame, guilt and inadequacy may not be immediately visible but can manifest itself later in life. Furthermore, acting in school plays and joining sports teams help a child become well-rounded and emotionally intelligent — all important skills for the 21st century.
However, I also see our Western society as increasingly permissive, filled with distractions and one that sets the bar too low for our children.Achievement is the result of hard work, and often it’s the parent’s fear of their child’s fragility that robs the children of their potential. If parents of our Olympic athletes had been afraid to push and support, do you think those kids would be in the Olympics?So, the job of a parent is to shape the environment, making some allowances for individual talent and expression, while keeping in mind that there are many definitions of success. This would be a very different world without the artists, entrepreneurs, and inventors who may not have achieved the stereotypical academic success, but who ended up contributing far more to society in the end.”
Sharon Huang is a mother of twin 7- year old boys and founder of Bilingual Buds, a Mandarin immersion program for young children located in Manhattan, and Summit, NJ. Sharon has an undergraduate degree in chemical engineering from the University of CA at Berkeley, and an MBA from the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School.
From Ada Calhoun:
When I was newly pregnant and trying to do everything “right,” my exasperated husband said, “Do you think Gandhi’s mother followed the ‘What to Expect’ cookbook to the letter?” He had a point: to what end are we trying to be “perfect” parents with “perfect” kids? Did the parents of Martin Luther King, Jr., or Mother Teresa, or anyone else who has meant anything to the world, create them by virtue of this kind of “superior” parenting?
Amy Chua’s article states the obvious: being strict with kids and insisting upon straight A’s and good piano playing can help some kids get straight A’s and play the piano well. What’s earned this article 2,500 comments is obviously its blithe celebration of calling a little girl “garbage,” “fatty,” and “pathetic.” The smug assertion that the only way to be a “superior parent” and get “results” is to “excoriate, punish and shame” children for every perceived weakness is belied by plenty of evidence apparently including Chua’s own experience (her book’s cover says she was ultimately “humbled by a thirteen-year-old”).
Beyond that, Chua’s suggestion that mothering must involve “long grueling hours personally tutoring, training, interrogating and spying” is particularly depressing. Raising children who feel loved, cared for, and like they want to contribute to the world is hard and joyful enough.
Ada Calhoun is the author of “Instinctive Parenting: Trusting Ourselves to Raise Good Kids.”
From Po Bronson:
[Chua’s] book, like ours, gives parents permission to stop coddling kids’ esteem, and demand they work harder and earn praise only from real accomplishment. In “Nurture Shock” too, readers really responded to the science which compared Chinese mothers to American mothers. But the similarities of the two books ends right there. Chua takes pride in denying her children playtime and sleepovers; her book disses gym and drama; and it prizes drill-and-kill learning at an early age. Oh my, just bad advice on all points. It’s through pretend play with peers that kids develop perspective-taking, and self-control, and creativity. A mountain of studies show how athletic exercise drives brain growth and facilitates brain function. And Chua seems not to be aware that the entire drill-and-kill kill education system is being dismantled in China, and is being replaced with a problem-based-learning curriculum that fosters creativity — as we reported in Newsweek [in a cover story on America’s creative decline].
Po Bronson, with Ashley Merryman, co-wrote, ““NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children,” which is now in paperback.
From Jean Kunhardt and Lisa Spiegel:
A self-proclaimed
“Asian mom-in-recovery”, in one of my groups, sent me the link to the
Wall Street Journal article, Why
Chinese Mothers are Superior, by Amy Chua, with the note, “Something
you might enjoy. Amusing and also illuminating.” Of course, she was 100%
correct. It was amusing and illuminating. The article is a no-holds-barred peek
at the intensity of the beliefs and practices that characterize ‘the Chinese
mother’. The author quips, “I’m using the term ‘Chinese mother’ loosely. I
know some Korean, Indian, Jamaican, Irish and Ghanaian parents who qualify
too.”
If you look beyond the
provocative nature of Chua’s strict, demanding and insulting behavior with her
children you will read an essay that takes a poke at the differences between
Chinese and Western styles of parenting. And the extremes in approach and
behavior are hilarious.
“If the child
comes home with a B on the test, some Western parents will still praise the
child. Other Western parents will sit their child down and express disapproval,
but they will be careful not to make their child feel inadequate or insecure,
and they will not call their child “stupid,” “worthless” or
“a disgrace.” Privately, the Western parents may worry that their
child does not test well or have aptitude in the subject or that there is
something wrong with the curriculum and possibly the whole school. If the
child’s grades do not improve, they may eventually schedule a meeting with the
school principal to challenge the way the subject is being taught or to call
into question the teacher’s credentials.
If a Chinese child
gets a B, which would never happen, there would first be a screaming,
hair-tearing explosion. The devastated Chinese mother would then get dozens,
maybe hundreds of practice tests and work through them with her child for as
long as it takes to get the grade up to an A.”
The Soho Parenting staff,
huddled around the Mac, got a kick out of reading Chua’s characterization
of Western precious parenting. One psychologist, a young mother herself,
laughingly relayed a story about her playgroup in which her toddler grabbed
something from another child. “A hush and gasp fell over the room. I felt
the weight of the question, “OH MY GOD, SHE’S GRABBING!! WHAT DO I DO?” Thankfully, I snapped myself back to reality, and into my role as mother.
Despite the fear of being kicked out of the group, I did what any self
respecting ‘Chinese mother’ would do–I took the toy out of my child’s hand,
gave it back to the marauded child, and told my little one, “No
grabbing!” with all the sternness I could manage.’
We found the article so
refreshing, in contrast to the scores of “Western parents” who ask,
“Is it Ok to tell a two year-old not to hit me in the face?”
Chua is not paralyzed by the idea that one false move will be
psychologically traumatizing. Her focus is on the strength, not the
vulnerability of the child and on her role of parent; leader and teacher, not
friend. Obviously, we do not agree with punishment that humiliates, or undue
expectations of perfection, but like with sleep training, children need their
parents to provide structure and tighter parameters even in the face of a
child’s protest. Holding a higher bar for our children, whether in relationship
to manners and socialization or in helping them persevere in the face of
frustration, boredom or insecurity will build resiliency and pride.
And let us not kid
ourselves. In the privacy of our ‘western’ homes there’s a whole lot of
pressuring, shaming and demanding going on. We just keep it a dirty little
secret. So how about trying to balance east and west, embrace both your Chinese
and American mother and give your children the benefit of a yin yang childhood.
*Jean Kunhardt, MA LMHC, and Lisa Spiegel, MA LMHC, are the co-founders of Soho Parenting and co-authors of the blog, ParenTalk: Sound Advice in Crazy Times, and the book, “A Mother’s Circle: An Intimate Dialogue on Becoming a Mother.”
From Wendy Levey:
I just finished the article “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior” by Amy Chua, and both as an educator and a mother am a little bit in shock! The idea that children wouldn’t have playdates, ever have a sleepover, ever watch TV or play computer games and be forced to play piano and or violin, not to mention being sat at a piano all night with no drink or use of bathroom to learn a complicated piece of piano music is close to abusive, in my book, but I am a “Western parent”. I think this is a dangerous way to motivate children to be great and could lead to increased anxiety and anger issues. Learning how to play and be a member of a group is a vital part of any child’s complete development. Learning how to socialize has to be practiced and cannot occur in isolation. And yes- Western parents are concerned about their children’s psyches, while apparently, according to this article Chinese parents aren’t. I wonder what this style of parenting does to the relationships that Chinese children have with their friends—or do they even get to have friends? And a parent calling a child “garbage”? Really, this is reprehensible and NOT character building in my book. Grades are very subjective and forcing children to believe that As are the only acceptable grade does not encourage learning for learning’s sake, but learning for a grade only. The one thing I do agree with is that it is important to hold the bar high for all children and not let them give up. High standards are always important for children, but it is also important to guide, lead and love our children so they feel secure and successful at the same time.
*Wendy Levey is the Director of Epiphany Community Nursery School and 74th St. MAGIC.
From Carolyn H. Meyer-Wartels:
Amy Chua has written a provocative article for the Wall Street Journal, “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior”, forcing parents to question their parenting styles and examine which values are most important to pass on to their children. Her polemic ideas have struck a chord among NYC parents who are eager to find ways to give their child the extra winning edge in a new competitive world. Ms. Chua insists that getting the “A” or mastering a difficult musical piece is ultimately the most important goal for a child in helping them feel good about themselves and in making them perform as successful individuals.
In Ms. Chua’s parenting world, she is making achievement synonymous with love and supports the idea that the end justifies the mean even if it needs to be accomplished through harsh and punitive measures like calling her children “garbage.” Unfortunately, she is correct in her belief that criticizing her children will motivate them to perform and to achieve her ultimate goal. But at what costs?
As a psychotherapist in private practice, specializing in parenting issues, I work everyday with parents who are challenged to blend the delicate balance between pushing their kids towards achievement and allowing for their own autonomy and independence to emerge. I regularly see the negative consequences of children who feel their parent’s love is solely based on their achievements in academics, music or any other area that the parent deems important. It is critical that children feel their parent’s love is unconditional and that we value the child as a human being not just as the “human doing.” Ms. Chua’s definition of success and achievement exhibits a very narrow and traditional view focusing only on intellectual and artistic pursuits and misses the vital importance of the whole child’s emotional and social development.
* Carolyn H. Meyer-Wartels, LCSW, is a clinical social worker in private practice on the Upper West Side of Manhattan.She is a certified specialist in infant-parent mental health and an instructor with Parenting Horizons, and can be reached at [email protected].
