It’s the lot of two working parents, or at least my wife and I, that, because of work demands we often can’t eat dinner together as a family during the week. What we do to compensate is, that, on most nights at least, one of us is there to have dinner with the children and see them through the rest of the night. On a recent Thursday, it was just me and the night was off to an awful start, with both of my children, ages 14 and 10, snipping at each other, only grudgingly helping out, and just spraying the apartment with anger and annoyance. After trying to make a dozen saves, I stopped. I hated it, and I’d had enough. Furious, I made a special request.
I’m paraphrasing, but basically I said: “I can’t take it. No, actually, I can take it but I won’t take it. Both of you, in your own special ways, are being assholes. And you both have to fix this. All you really have to do is be nice and generous to each other. The rest is bullshit. We don’t have that much time together as a family. I don’t want to live this way. I’m exhausted. I worked all day. I hate this. I hate it. You both have to fix this right now.”
Adam nodded. Elena started crying for a bit, pleading injustice, but I held my ground that, she too, has a part in all this.
I expected awkward silence and brooding. But to my surprise, after a few minutes of letting the anger in the air dissipate, we actually had some lovely family time.
Now, do I think I changed the course of sibling relations in one swoop? And do I think that a parental outburst is now the go-to answer to family chaos? I think I probably lucked out, with both of them being able to rebound at the same time. Myself as well.
I do have an interesting epilogue though: On a more recent night, in a discussion around eating out, Elena was digging in and getting all emotional about the plan I had chosen, which was Adam’s first choice (and his turn to be favored for a dinner out).
In a family shocker, Adam decided to take one for the team and for Elena, and asked her to pick a restaurant that she would be happier with. Well, a little self-sacrifice and generosity was much more impactful than my tirade. She really appreciated it, and started talking about how she didn’t want him to be frustrated, but he insisted that she be happy too, and on and on.
I loved it.
Eric Messinger is the editor of New York Family. He can be reached at [email protected].
